JUST THE MINUTES with Joe Moore (Chip Chantry's One Man Show (with Special Guests))

Monday 25 July 2011

8:14 PM - I take a seat in back of the Shubin Theater

8:38 – The houselights go down, we are asked to silence our pagers and Chip Chantry is introduced.

8:41 – Chip talks about toilets, while discreetly checking to make sure his fly is up.

8:44 – Chip check’s his fly again.

8:47 – Chip introduces co-host Johnny Goodtimes. Tonight is the last show with Johnny co-hosting. He finds out the show will continue without him.

8:50 – Chip introduces a possible new co-host Johnny Summertimes. Johnny Summertimes is bothered by the weather.

8:53 – Johnny Summertimes spits hot Mountain Dew Code Red on the stage.

8:56 – Johnny Summertimes leaves.

8:57 Paul Goodman is introduced

9:01 – Paul recalls a gym teacher teaching him about sex.

9:02 – Paul makes a fake phone call using his right hand as the phone.

9:04 – Paul Goodman exits

9:05H. Foley is introduced.

9:07 – Chip walks from in front of the stage to the back of the stage. H. Foley thanks him.

9:08 – H. Foley references Chewbacca.

9:10 – H. Foley drops the C-bomb, and apologizes to a woman in the front row.

9:13 – H. Foley exits

9:14 – Chip introduces Jim Grammond for a segment called “The Feed”

9:15 – Chip tells a twitter joke, Jim tells a twitter joke. Everyone laughs

9:15 – Chip tells another twitter joke, Jim also tells another twitter joke, everyone continues laughing

9:15 – “  “

9:16– “  “

9:16 – Chip tells another twitter joke.

9:17 – Jim also tells another twitter joke, everyone continues laughing Chip tells another twitter joke

9:17 – “ “

9:18 – “ “

9:18 – “ “

9:18 – Jim tells another twitter joke

9:19 – The Feed ends, Jim Exits.

9:20 – Chip Introduces Kerri Lendo

9:22 – Kerri has a pit-bull named “Hoagie”

9:26 – Kerri was recently in Atlantic City.

9:31 – Kerri exits

9:32 – Chip introduces Luke Cunningham

9:33 – A woman leaves the audience, Luke pleads with her that he hasn’t even told a dick joke yet.

9:38 – Luke does a great impression of Poseidon

9:44 – Luke exits

9:45 – Johnny Goodtimes and Chip introduce the Wheel of Terrific, a game similar to a popular game show where contestants are given clues by celebrities to guess words or phrases.

9:46 – 2 stools are brought to the stage

9:47 – A contestant is pulled from the crowd. His name is pronounced “KOOB” * They begin playing the game.

9:49 – Koob accurately guesses “Donkey Punch”, and wins.

9:50 – Koob exits, Chip introduces the 1 Minute Comedy Challenge

9:50Jim Grammond returns to the stage to plugs his upcoming show at the Shubin, Wednesday evening. Johnny Goodtimes gives Koob a beer for his participation in Wheel of Terrific

9:51Rachel Lipshits is announced as the first contestant for the 1 Minute Comedy Challenge, but is nowhere to be found.

9:52“Fat Doogie” (Christian Alsis) explains how he is unbelievably diabetic

9:53“Rossane Buckley” (Samantha Russell) has sore hips when the weather changes

9:54“Big Brand Daddy” (Paul Triggiani and Brian Kelly) sing songs

9:55“Fran Walker” (Brian Craig) has microphone difficulties and reads from a newspaper

9:56Mike DiEva picks apart “The 27 Club”

9:57 – All participants of the 1 Minute Challenge are invited back on stage for voting. Luke Cunningham joins them, not realizing that Chip didn’t mean to call all the performers of the evening, but rather just the participants of the contest.

9:58 – Luke Cunningham realizes his mistake. Exits.

10:00 – The crowd votes on the contestants

10:01 – “Fat Doogie” wins

10:02 – Chip thanks everybody - a final farewell for Johnny Goodtimes.

10:03 – Lights up, audience exits

*Sorry if I'm getting your name wrong, KOOB!

Joe Moore is a comedy fan and sometimes-performer. You can follow him on Twitter.

JUST THE MINUTES with Joe Moore (The Ministry of Secret Jokes)

Editor's note -- excerpts of this report were retracted before going to "print" for reasons we can't explain, and even if we could we couldn't possibly go into it now.

A few blocks away from Fergie’s last night, as my girlfriend I were walking to what we thought was a comedy show, we were stopped by what I believe to be a cloaked Druid. He said I wasn’t allowed to report on the minutes of the Ministry of Secret Jokes – the contents of the meeting couldn’t be revealed to the world. After a few quick rounds of “Riddles,” the Druid and I reached an agreement -- instead of my notebook, pen and phone, he’d allow me to go with a quill, some parchment, and an hour glass.

Instead of Standard hours and minutes, time will be displayed in FHG’s or “Full Hour Glasses” as well as minutes broken into 57ths.

0 – Full Hour Glass - I get to Fergie’s early. I test out the hour glass and realize its bogus – 57 minutes worth of sand instead of the standard hour.
FHG – 5/57 - I receive a “Secret Booklet.” I open and read ahead, although I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to. I don’t finish reading all of it, feeling guilty for skipping ahead.
FHG – 8/57 - Beer 1 -- Anchor Porter arrives.
FHG – 11/57 - An order of nachos is brought to our table. With it comes the first mystery of the evening -- the guacamole that is supposed to be on the nachos has VANISHED!
FHG – 23/57 The room is packed. Standing room only. Some sit on the floor.
FHG – 42/57 - The nachos are as finished as they are going to get.
FHG – 47/57 - Gregg Gethard tells Emily and I story about him almost getting hit by a car at the West Orange Library. While he does that, someone [REDACTED].
FHG – 48/57 - Beer one finishes, and remains finished for a while.
FHG – 53/57 - Less than a thumbnail of sand. We are welcomed by the twice-familiar Andrew Nice Clay. We begin a call and response swearing-in led by Mr. Nice Clay. I say and saw things I thought I would never see or say.
1 FHG - I flip the hour glass for the first time since I sat down, 57 minutes into the show.
1 FHG – 2/57 - The swearing-in ceremony concludes. I’m in the Ministry.
1 FHG – 4/57 - [REDACTED]
1 FHG – 7/57 - Andrew Nice Clay takes note of an outsider named “Tom” in the table nearest to the stage. He makes Tom uncomfortable by showering him in compliments, which in-turn appears to make Mr. Nice Clay uncomfortable.
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