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Here’s some humor from local comedian/letter writer Jared Bilski. You can find Jared on Twitter and Facebook, and read his letters to organizations like the Westboro Baptist Church, Einstein Montgomery Medical Center and, of course, Comcast, on valiumvickie.blogspot.com.


I’ve become quite fond of using Comcast’s Live Chat service. Here’s another word-for-word transcription of an online chat I had with a very helpful Comcast rep recently: (Note: I cleverly jumbled some on the letters in the rep’s name to protect his/her anonymity.)

The Surface Problem

analyst Bronald Fouie has entered room 

Bronald Fouie: Hello Jared, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name isBronald Fouie: Please give me one moment to review your information.
Jared: My Issue: My girlfriend told me we have Showtime — after reviewing my bill, I noticed there was, in fact, a $10.00 charge for a Showtime promotion. Two questions: 1.) Why is it there if I didn’t ask for it? 2.) How is it a promotion if you charge?
Bronald Fouie: Let me check on the account, Jared.
Bronald Fouie: Please give me 2 to 3 minutes while I pull up the correct account. Thank you.
Jared: I will meditate for 2 to 3 minutes on my secret mantra, which I’m not at liberty to tell you. Please let me know when you’re ready.
Bronald Fouie: Thank you for waiting, I have the account now. To complete verification, may I have the last 4 digits of your SSN?
Jared: Of course, it is π. May I ask is your full name Bronald Fouie? If so, Fouie is an unusual last name, but it is also rather nice.
Bronald Fouie: Bronald Fouie is my first name. I do see here that you have Showtime under promo, $0.00 x 3 months/step up promo is $10.00/month x 9 months. Regular rate is $19.99/month. I can remove it from your account if you want.
Jared: Bronald Fouie, I never asked for Showtime, which I find to be inferior to both AMC and FX …
Jared: So, my question, Bronald Fouie, is WHY was it added in the first place. I never authorized it, so it seems like Comcast just arbitrarily added the charge to my account and hoped I wouldn’t notice.
Jared: To me, this seems highly unethical. Don’t you agree Bronald Fouie?
Bronald Fouie: Jared, let me just check when was this added. Please give me a moment.
Jared: Take your time, Bronald Fouie. The last thing I want to do is jump to conclusion. I’ll continue my meditations in the meantime.
Bronald Fouie: Thank you.
Jared: Are you still here, Bronald Fouie?
Bronald Fouie: Thank you for patiently waiting.
Bronald Fouie: I apologize for the long hold.
Bronald Fouie: I have removed Showtime and the charges for 2 months. This might have been accidentally added through the remote control. The credit will reflect on your online account within 24 hours.
Jared: It’s OK, but sometimes if I get to involved in my meditations I lull myself into a semi-conscious state.
Jared: too involved … Sorry my grammar has been off since the “incident”

The Underlying Cause

Bronald Fouie: No problem at all, Jared. I hope everything is okay.
Jared: You mentioned the remote … how would the remote subscribe me to Showtime …. I’d like to avoid this if I could in the future
Jared: By the way, I can’t very well mention the incident without giving you additional details
Bronald Fouie: Sometime when you access a program or movie through On Demand, it will ask you if you want to subscribe the certain network in order to view the program. It would be best not to order OnDemand programs that requires channel subscription.
Jared: When I was much younger, a worker at a cable company (which shall remain nameless) did something horrible to me …
Jared: And that’s a big reason for my distrust of cable companies right now
Jared: You see, Bronald Fouie, a cable repairman, technically an Independent Contractor, I know, I know was scheduled to fixed our faulty cable
Jared: Not only did he fix the cable that day, but he also fixed fixed my live-in girlfriend’s diminished sex drive as well
Jared: For several months, the two fornicated behind my back, but that’s not all …
Bronald Fouie: That a very terrible thing to happen to anyone. I can just imagine the pain that you were going through. I’m reall sorry to hear that, Jared. I hope everything is better now.
Jared: In addition, to mess with me, the cable repairman would intentionally interrupt my cable signal and he and my girlfriend would laugh the laugh of lovers
Jared: Before she moved to Montana to start a family with this cable repairman, she told me the whole story.
Jared: I’ve come along way since then, but the Showtime thing brought it all back.

Jared: See me and this girlfriend used to watch the softcore pornography on the Showtime channel, and the promotion stirred up some raw memories that I’m just now realizing I haven’t dealt with properly.

The Resolution

Bronald Fouie: I’m really really sorry, we have no other direction to go but to move forward. I do belive that horrible experiences like this make us a better person.For the Showtime concern, you may forget about it. I have removed Showtime and all its charges. The credit will reflect within 24 hours.

Jared: Thank you so much, Bronald Fouie. And thanks for letting me vent! I really needed it.
Bronald Fouie: Thank you for your sharing and spending some time.
Bronald Fouie:  It is my pleasure. I’m glad we were able to resolved your billing issue. Have I addressed all your concerns, issues for today?
Jared: Yes you have Bronald Fouie. The world needs more people who truly care like you do!
Bronald Fouie: Thank you for the kind words, Jared.
Bronald Fouie: It is my goal to exceed your expectations, and I hope that you will take a moment to complete the short survey; your feedback will help us to continue improving how we serve you. Our goal is to provide you with a consistently superior customer experience – that’s our guarantee. Learn more about the Comcast Customer Guarantee athttp://www.comcast.com/corporate/Customers/CustomerGuarantee.html?fss=customer guarantee
Bronald Fouie: I had a wonderful time speaking with you today. We are grateful to have you as a Comcast customer and look forward to continue being the provider that helps you stay connected to your services. We value your business here in Comcast. If you need assistance in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us through Live Chat or E-Mail (available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week). Comcast also offers great FAQ and Help forums located at click here to help you solve many issues on your own. You can also reach us at 1800-XFINITY (1800-934-6489)during business hours from Monday-Friday between the hours of 9AM-5PM. Thank you for contacting Comcast and have a great day.
Bronald Fouie:  I’m glad I had the opportunity to resolve your issue. It is my goal to exceed your expectations, and I hope that you will take a moment to complete the short survey; your feedback will help us to continue improving how we serve you. I thank you for your time. If you don’t have any other concerns, you can click on EXIT CHAT then kindly take the 12 question SURVEY. Your feedback will help us improve our service. Thank you in advance.

Jared: I would be happy to Bronald Fouie

In case you’re wondering, I did fill out the 12-question SURVEY, and I gave Bronald Fouie sterling marks for his service.