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May 21, 2013 7:00 pmSelect Start + Rowbit
May 21, 2013 8:00 pmA Bunch of Improv
May 21, 2013 8:30 pmPHIT House Team Harold Night
May 21, 2013 9:30 pmPHIT Improv Jam
May 22, 2013 7:00 pmPHIT Sweeps Weeks
May 22, 2013 8:00 pmConklin's Comedy Night
May 22, 2013 8:30 pmGuilty Pleasures
May 22, 2013 10:00 pmTV Party!
May 23, 2013 8:00 pmLaff Therapy Thursdays
May 23, 2013 8:00 pmPete Holmes
May 23, 2013 8:30 pmFigment Theater's The Vagabond Sessions
May 23, 2013 8:30 pmThe Flat Earth
May 23, 2013 10:00 pmA Few Answers Short
May 24, 2013 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
May 24, 2013 7:30 pmPete Holmes
May 24, 2013 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
May 24, 2013 8:30 pmKing of Prussia Comedy Cabaret
May 24, 2013 8:30 pmThe Flat Earth
May 24, 2013 10:00 pmThe Grimacchio Variety Hour
May 24, 2013 10:00 pmPete Holmes
May 25, 2013 7:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club
May 25, 2013 7:30 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
May 25, 2013 9:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club
May 25, 2013 9:30 pmThe Comedy Works
May 25, 2013 10:00 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia

AEC v1.0.4

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 25

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 22nd, 2013

I work in a rubiks cubicle. Takes me hours to get in and out.

— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) March 22, 2013

I put the “miss” in “misanthrope,” if you spell it wrong, you dumb jerk.

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) March 19, 2013

I don’t suppress my anger so much as put it in a freezer, where it’s safely stored until I can pull it out as a solid ball to hurl at a car.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 20, 2013

I miss winter already. Soon I won’t have anything to blame my shitty mood on.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 20, 2013

I’ve heard drugs are fun, but I prefer organizing pens and stuff around my office.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 21, 2013

If picking your nose was an Olympic event, I’d be like ‘why is this an Olympic event?’

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) March 19, 2013

Everyone’s online dating profile is different but they all basically end with “or best offer.”

— John McKeever (@JohnnyMcKeever) March 19, 2013

The worst part about having a stomach bug is knowing someone is illegally listening in on everything that is going on inside your stomach.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) March 19, 2013

Any illusion I may have had about being a real man was destroyed this weekend when I discovered the show “Too Cute!” on Animal Planet.

— Pat Barker (@patbarkercomedy) March 18, 2013

the big oscar movie this year was about mentally ill fuck ups living w/ their parents in the burbs just west of philly. so….not a loser

— JULIET HOPE WAYNE (@juliethopewayne) March 19, 2013

“Really thinking about getting back into thinking about getting back into things.” -every 30 year-old

— Carl Boccuti (@bocooter) March 21, 2013

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Tweets of the Week, Vol. 24

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 15th, 2013

The ideal sales résumé is a glossy photo of Alec Baldwin with “A.B.C.” written on it in blood. Also, your name and phone number somewhere.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 13, 2013

“And this is a flamingo named “Pelican” after that scene in Scarface where Tony calls a flamingo a pelican.” – My future MTV Cribs

— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) March 15, 2013

I always get nostalgic whenever there is a hurricane on the news because my first kiss was with a girl named Gail Forcewinds.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) March 11, 2013

My second-favorite sport is penultimate frisbee.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 15, 2013

I’d hate to work at a Goodwill the day hipster goes out of style.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 11, 2013

“Hey kids! Everything is stupid and will end in disappointment!” -Me, if I were in charge of kids

— Luke Field (@LukeRobot) March 9, 2013

O Block Captain! My Block Captain! our fearful trip is done.The block has weather’d every dirtball, the prize we sought is fuckin’…

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) March 13, 2013

Resume tip: it is more important than ever to specify whether or not you “will do butt stuff”

— Alexis Simpson (@amutepiggy) March 9, 2013

My book has officially become the highest selling book in my household, narrowly surpassing Jaime’s 2010 memoir, “Living with a Fat Fuck …

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) March 13, 2013

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Is it because you cover yourself in peanut butter and then roll around in seeds?

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 11, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 23

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 8th, 2013

The TSA will allow small knives on planes again, so we can finally get back what we missed most about flying: reenacting the Beat It video.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 6, 2013

My brain still refers to a large group of people other than myself as “grown ups”.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 5, 2013

Sorry officer, but whipping rocks at birds is part of my religion.

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) March 4, 2013

I have an Odometer in my car. It tells me how many times a day Lamar Odom wishes he didn’t marry a Kardashian. #125431

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) March 4, 2013

75 Trombones?! That’s not enough for this big parade! #paradeproblems #moretrombones

— Brendan Kennedy (@brendankennedy) March 5, 2013

Every time my cat sleeps next to my baby I feel like the internet has come to life.

— Lora(@LoraNeely) March 1, 2013

Playing video games online is like middle school. It’s where I go to get made fun of by thirteen year olds.

— Luke Giordano (@lukegiordano) March 3, 2013

“Do you wash your jeans?” -Someone Who Doesn’t.

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) March 4, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 22

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 1st, 2013

My car stereo has a scan button in case a bad song comes on. I also got a scan button put in for the clock in case I’m having a bad time.
— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) February 27, 2013

A little just birdie told me “You should go to the hospital, you hit your head really hard and have a severe concussion.”
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) February 25, 2013

I hate when I have something to complain about and someone tells me it’s a first world problem. #firstworldproblems

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) February 22, 2013

My diary is essentially Doogie Horner fan fiction.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) February 27, 2013

“I have had it with these mothafuckin Blakes on this mothafuckin plane!” -probably the people on this plane I’m on. #BlakeHistoryMonth

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) February 26, 2013

I refer to Medieval Times as my “home away from home” because sometimes I hide from the staff when they close and sleep there.

— Dominic Moschitti (@Dommoschitti) March 1, 2013

Still not sure if “husky” was a real catholic school uniform pants size or if my mom and the uniform store guy were just very openly cruel.

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) February 28, 2013

You know those videos of servicemen coming home and surprising their children? I act the same way every time the pizza guy shows up.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) February 28, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.