I once dated a girl because her http://t.co/DaISSUroDV profile stated she had lots of "pizzaz". I misread it as "pizzas".
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) June 14, 2013
It's awkward when my therapist asks if I've thought about suicide or made a plan… I guess so? I had a bunch of "Save the Date"s printed.
— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) June 14, 2013
Alright let's get to it, you big fucking asshole. *finishes brushing teeth, continues to avoid own gaze in bathroom mirror*
— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) June 13, 2013
That's what I love about corpses. I get older, they stay the SAME AGE.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) June 12, 2013
And as always, a happy early Father's Day to Papa Roach.
— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) June 12, 2013
I have an agreement with the cockroaches in my house: I let them go wherever they want, and that's it. That's the agreement.
— Paul Triggiani (@PaulTrigg) June 10, 2013
If someone had told me in high school how cool nerds were gonna be when I got older I wouldnt have wasted all that time getting really cool
— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) June 8, 2013
I think I trend more toward "politically inaccurate" than "politically incorrect."
— Alison Lynn (@Alison_lynnZ) June 8, 2013
MY COCK IS ON CAPS LOCK! - a rapper or something
— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) June 8, 2013
"You can cut it in half and it will still be alive!" – my neighbor's kid, the (hopefully) worm murderer
— Carolyn Busa (@misstoiletslave) June 8, 2013
"I like the way you work it. No diggity. I gotta bag it up." –grocery store bagger to customer, moments before he's fired
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) June 7, 2013
Went to a Super Walmart because the regular ones are so pedestrian.
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) June 14, 2013