Yo, guys, makin’ New Year’s resolutions? Losing weight is one of ‘em, right? Of course it is! Because if you’re not skinny, you’re not healthy, and you’re definitely not attractive, for serious.

Luckily, there’s a solution to transform your fat ass for 2013:

This fitness spoof video was brought to you by Unite Fitness, a totally real thing that’s launched an actual fitness program: their 3-month Virtual Bootcamp.  You can check that out if your ass really is fat, but I don’t think it is, honestly, I think you’re perfect just the way you are, and I’m sorry I said that at the beginning of the post. Please don’t cry.

A whole crew of local comedians helped make this video, including former Philly (now L.A.) improviser Michael Tomasetti (Mayor Karen), who co-wrote, produced and directed it.  The actors are Tony Rodriguez and comedians Abigail Bruley (Down the Show, Nielsen), Jim Burns (Hot Dish), Jimmy Viola (Necrosexual), Latice Mitchell-Klapa (stand-up), Amie Roe (The Amie & Kristen Show/The Kristen & Amie Show), and Jess Carpenter (Comedian Deconstruction, Iron Lung). Kevin Donahue filmed and edited.