jim grammond « WitOut

May 25, 2013 7:30 pmLast Saturdays Comedy Show
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May 25, 2013 7:30 pmPete Holmes
May 25, 2013 7:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club
May 25, 2013 7:30 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
May 25, 2013 8:00 pmThe Captain Action Comedy Show
May 25, 2013 8:30 pmPHIT House Team Night
May 25, 2013 9:00 pmDoylestown Comedy Cabaret
May 25, 2013 9:00 pmNortheast Comedy Cabaret
May 25, 2013 9:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club
May 25, 2013 9:30 pmThe Good, The Bad, and The Funny
May 25, 2013 9:30 pmThe Comedy Works
May 25, 2013 10:00 pmPete Holmes
May 25, 2013 10:00 pmPHIT House Team Night
May 25, 2013 10:00 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
May 25, 2013 11:00 pmCagematch
May 26, 2013 11:00 amComedySportz for Kids
May 26, 2013 5:00 pmPHIT Conservatory presents: "Hydra"
May 26, 2013 7:00 pmPHIT Conservatory presents: "Hydra"
May 26, 2013 8:30 pmThe Deans
May 29, 2013 8:00 pmConklin's Comedy Night
May 30, 2013 8:00 pmLaff Therapy Thursdays
May 31, 2013 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
May 31, 2013 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
June 1, 2013 7:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club

AEC v1.0.4

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 33

By Aaron Hertzog, on May 17th, 2013

I mean, if you can’t trust some douchebag crust punk drifter with an ax, who CAN you trust?

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) May 16, 2013

I’ve created my own prison. You’re right again, Creed lyric of the day calendar.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 17, 2013

I keep thinking I need a free spirit to bring out my adventurous side…but then I remember I hate free spirits, and adventure, and people.

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) May 16, 2013

“You know, for someone who complains about people who complain all the time, you sure do complain a lot.” – Me, to me.

— Mike Logan (@LoganDoesComedy) May 13, 2013

I swear, I can’t sleep without the television on (at full volume playing season 2 episode 14 of Grace Under Fire at 1/16th its normal speed)

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) May 14, 2013

“Not bragging or anything, but how many little league world champions have you screwed?” – Woman pouring shots at Toms River, NJ Strip Club

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) May 17, 2013

You know what goes great with coffee?A coworker starting an unsolicited conversation about having her uterus removed.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) May 17, 2013

“We’ve got gang bangs.” –gang leader, enforcing the group’s mandatory haircut

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) May 16, 2013

Maybe if The Baha Men focused on solving the problem instead of stating it repeatedly, they’d get an answer.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) May 15, 2013

Y’know that feeling when you cut yourself accidentally and then you’re like, “that was nice. I should do this more often.”

— Alex Grubard (@Alexgrubard) May 13, 2013

I can’t believe diapers are fireproof. See for yourself!

— Paul Triggiani (@PaulTrigg) May 11, 2013

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 32

By Aaron Hertzog, on May 10th, 2013

I did laundry even though I had 4 days of clothes left. If this was a feel-good movie about me becoming and adult, credits would’ve rolled

— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) May 8, 2013

The machine I use most at my gym is the one that vends protein bars.

— Aaron Nevins (@AaronNevins) May 10, 2013

How do I calculate my street credit score?

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) May 7, 2013

The Balking Dead. How will the undead respond to this seldom called baseball infraction?

— dennis trapney (@classic_dennis) May 8, 2013

I meant to say, “Freudian slip,” but instead I said, “I’ve got a lot of shameful sex secrets.”

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) May 6, 2013

In first grade, I took guitar lessons from a nun. I was too young to laugh at a nun constantly talking about fingering.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 9, 2013

I can’t find a calorie count on “feelings” in MyFitnessPal.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) May 9, 2013

My mom: “I was in labor with you for 36 hours. I’d say you were comfortable.”Me: “I’m living with you at 28; I’m STILL comfortable.”

— Pat House (@BohemianPatsody) May 8, 2013

I like typing messages to people who look at my phone over my shoulder. Yes, you, shit shirt.

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) May 9, 2013

Crying on the inside today waters the joke flowers of tomorrow

— Darryl Charles (@darryldarryl_) May 6, 2013

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 30

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 26th, 2013

I’m not bragging or anything, but the status of my laundry no longer depends on the amount of quarters in my Hard Rock Cafe 1994 cup.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 21, 2013

“It’s my damn ark. I’m Noah! And I say we’re gonna see if unicorns can swim!” – How unicorns went extinct

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 19, 2013

Scrunchies were originally invented to eliminate hair pulling while fistfighting your step-mom.

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) April 25, 2013

Me and my ex girlfriend have so much in common.We both love terrible sci fi and we’ve each given me hand jobs.

— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) April 22, 2013

Maybe those family member car decal stickers aren’t that at all, but actually a visual tally of how many people your minivan has killed.

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) April 22, 2013

Guns are a real Catch 22. How do I steal a gun if I don’t already have a gun?!

— Billy Bob Thompson (@BillyBobThomps) April 25, 2013

I don’t get people who freak out at work.My dad taught me to put up a good front, and be an emotional wreck in the privacy of my home.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) April 23, 2013

There should be a company I can call and they feel excited for me when I do exercise or eat oatmeal or whatever grown-up stuff I do…

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) April 23, 2013

“She’s about to molt.” –average bird watcher, engaging in totally normal, not deviant hobby of spying on little birds

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) April 25, 2013

The name “Mr. Softee” is misleading; every time I hear that truck’s music I get an erection.

— David Terruso (@DavidTerruso) April 25, 2013

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Tweets of the Week, Vol. 29

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 19th, 2013

My self-esteem waivers daily between pageant winner and an animal wearing a cone.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) April 17, 2013

The Bible really jumps the shark when Jesus invents a contraption that turns him into ultra-suave ladies man Jeezy Chrizzist

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) April 16, 2013

People are bashing Congress today. But I still believe in the the sanctity of our government, and its three branches: Oil, Guns, and Banks.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 18, 2013

Thankfully, I don’t like my women like I like my music: heavy fuzz, distorted bottom, and guttural.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 18, 2013

Looking to invest. Anyone sitting on an invention that hurts others and tells people you’re dumb but makes you feel like your wang is huge?

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) April 18, 2013

I’m in favor of thorough background checks. Without them, I would have never seen that kid ghost in 3 Men and a Baby.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 18, 2013

Apparently the IRS doesnt like my tax filing status of “single, looking to mingle”

— Kevin Ryan (@KevinRyan00) April 15, 2013

So frustrated. Can’t find any entry level space jobs. How can I get space experience if all the space jobs require 4 years space experience?

— Trevor Cunnion (@TrevorCunnion) April 18, 2013

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Tweets of the Week, Vol. 28

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 12th, 2013

Why doesn’t the media report the POSITIVE stories about guns?Like how they make you feel like your dick’s bigger?

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) April 10, 2013

QUESTION: Does anyone know how to decorate the top of a latte to look like a wasted degree in graphic design?

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 7, 2013

If you like watching porn, you’re probably gonna love this video of somebody else eating ice cream without you.

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) April 5, 2013

You know, being “Joe Moore” is all fine and good, but sometimes I just wanna be plain old “Screaming Maniac Wielding Nunchucks.”

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) April 9, 2013

“My artisan mayo guy is in Bolivia for a month, so I can’t make a decent sandwich.” – My imaginary worst enemy. Also, me with more money.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 8, 2013

Come on white ppl, shorts on in…..nah im jokin…its hot enough now

— Omar J. Scruggs (@OmarScruggs) April 9, 2013

Bad news: The maid I employ for my yacht gets motion sickness real bad and we’re taking her disability claim to court.

— Holding Court (@holdingcourtpod) April 11, 2013

Satellite images show that North Korea’s long-range missiles are actually just broken hot dog guns.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 12, 2013

Okay, a lot of you seem to think you know a lot about basketball, but can you even name three cities in the state of Wichita?

— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) April 6, 2013

Work hard and try your best, and someday you’ll be dead just like everyone who goofed around the whole time.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) April 10, 2013

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Tweets of the Week, Vol. 27

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 5th, 2013

No one else has used the tshirt slogan “SOFT ICE CREAM GETS ME HARD”, right?

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 3, 2013

Video games, working on comedy, healthy marriage. Pick two. Whoops, I picked video games twice.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 3, 2013

I accidentally asked a pregnant lady if she was just fat. #Whoops!

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) April 1, 2013

If I played for a soccer team it’d be called Reál Insecuré.

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) April 1, 2013

My cat’s declawed, so now his only weapon is sarcasm.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) March 29, 2013

I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.

— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) April 2, 2013

Can’t wait to see who’s gonna be the winner of the “Go to Opening Day with Johnny Goodtimes” contest! Just give me a ticket, and you win!

— Johnny Goodtimes (@JohnnyGoodtimes) April 5, 2013

Just so you know, the guy at 7 Eleven doesn’t care that “Ima put these sweedish fish in my belly aquarium.”

— John McKeever (@JohnnyMcKeever) April 5, 2013

Starting to realize that every time someone’s told me to believe in myself, they were secretly trying to sabotage me.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 31, 2013

I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and see if that gives me a better view inside this guy’s bedroom.

— Alejandro Morales(@AlleyHandRow) April 3, 2013

Birds chirping at 530am are the “white people asking if it’s Friday yet” of the animal kingdom.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 4, 2013

All jokes have been made. Log off now.

— Daniel Eastman (@danieleastman) April 5, 2013

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Tweets of the Week, Vol. 26

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 29th, 2013

People say Bush stole the 2000 election but no one says bupkis about the chronic, chronic cheating of the Harlem Globetrotters. #fb

— John Kensil (@johnkensil) March 24, 2013

“Is that the guy from the Strokes? Is that the guy from the Strokes? Is that the guy from the Strokes?”- Me, all day yesterday in Brooklyn

— John McKeever (@JohnnyMcKeever) March 26, 2013

I moisturize to stay youthful, but I know I’m just making it easier for whomever ends up wearing me as a skin suit.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 25, 2013

I accidentally replaced my gym playlist with my Elliott Smith one, which is why all I did was run suicides for 15 minutes.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 25, 2013

At the beach with my family.Jake: Let’s bury Mommy!Me: (cold, distant) Someday son… someday.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) March 28, 2013

I be on my soup and fries shit. #diners

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) March 27, 2013

Gearing up for Easter! Just “hid” a dozen eggs on the hood of my neighbor’s new Escalade.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 28, 2013

whispering “im a normal person” over and over is totally normal right

— noralynn (@narwhalynn) March 28, 2013

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Tweets of the Week, Vol. 25

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 22nd, 2013

I work in a rubiks cubicle. Takes me hours to get in and out.

— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) March 22, 2013

I put the “miss” in “misanthrope,” if you spell it wrong, you dumb jerk.

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) March 19, 2013

I don’t suppress my anger so much as put it in a freezer, where it’s safely stored until I can pull it out as a solid ball to hurl at a car.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 20, 2013

I miss winter already. Soon I won’t have anything to blame my shitty mood on.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 20, 2013

I’ve heard drugs are fun, but I prefer organizing pens and stuff around my office.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 21, 2013

If picking your nose was an Olympic event, I’d be like ‘why is this an Olympic event?’

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) March 19, 2013

Everyone’s online dating profile is different but they all basically end with “or best offer.”

— John McKeever (@JohnnyMcKeever) March 19, 2013

The worst part about having a stomach bug is knowing someone is illegally listening in on everything that is going on inside your stomach.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) March 19, 2013

Any illusion I may have had about being a real man was destroyed this weekend when I discovered the show “Too Cute!” on Animal Planet.

— Pat Barker (@patbarkercomedy) March 18, 2013

the big oscar movie this year was about mentally ill fuck ups living w/ their parents in the burbs just west of philly. so….not a loser

— JULIET HOPE WAYNE (@juliethopewayne) March 19, 2013

“Really thinking about getting back into thinking about getting back into things.” -every 30 year-old

— Carl Boccuti (@bocooter) March 21, 2013

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Tweets of the Week, Vol. 24

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 15th, 2013

The ideal sales résumé is a glossy photo of Alec Baldwin with “A.B.C.” written on it in blood. Also, your name and phone number somewhere.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 13, 2013

“And this is a flamingo named “Pelican” after that scene in Scarface where Tony calls a flamingo a pelican.” – My future MTV Cribs

— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) March 15, 2013

I always get nostalgic whenever there is a hurricane on the news because my first kiss was with a girl named Gail Forcewinds.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) March 11, 2013

My second-favorite sport is penultimate frisbee.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 15, 2013

I’d hate to work at a Goodwill the day hipster goes out of style.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 11, 2013

“Hey kids! Everything is stupid and will end in disappointment!” -Me, if I were in charge of kids

— Luke Field (@LukeRobot) March 9, 2013

O Block Captain! My Block Captain! our fearful trip is done.The block has weather’d every dirtball, the prize we sought is fuckin’…

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) March 13, 2013

Resume tip: it is more important than ever to specify whether or not you “will do butt stuff”

— Alexis Simpson (@amutepiggy) March 9, 2013

My book has officially become the highest selling book in my household, narrowly surpassing Jaime’s 2010 memoir, “Living with a Fat Fuck …

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) March 13, 2013

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Is it because you cover yourself in peanut butter and then roll around in seeds?

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 11, 2013

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Tweets of the Week, Vol. 23

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 8th, 2013

The TSA will allow small knives on planes again, so we can finally get back what we missed most about flying: reenacting the Beat It video.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 6, 2013

My brain still refers to a large group of people other than myself as “grown ups”.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 5, 2013

Sorry officer, but whipping rocks at birds is part of my religion.

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) March 4, 2013

I have an Odometer in my car. It tells me how many times a day Lamar Odom wishes he didn’t marry a Kardashian. #125431

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) March 4, 2013

75 Trombones?! That’s not enough for this big parade! #paradeproblems #moretrombones

— Brendan Kennedy (@brendankennedy) March 5, 2013

Every time my cat sleeps next to my baby I feel like the internet has come to life.

— Lora(@LoraNeely) March 1, 2013

Playing video games online is like middle school. It’s where I go to get made fun of by thirteen year olds.

— Luke Giordano (@lukegiordano) March 3, 2013

“Do you wash your jeans?” -Someone Who Doesn’t.

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) March 4, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

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