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June 18, 2013 8:00 pmA Bunch of Improv
June 18, 2013 8:00 pmThe Polygon Comedy Variety Show
June 18, 2013 8:00 pmComedy Bonfire
June 19, 2013 7:30 pmTell Me a Story
June 19, 2013 8:00 pmConklin's Comedy Night
June 19, 2013 8:00 pmFree For All
June 20, 2013 7:00 pmDaniel Tosh
June 20, 2013 8:00 pmBert Kreischer
June 20, 2013 8:00 pmComedian Deconstruction
June 20, 2013 8:00 pmLaff Therapy Thursdays
June 20, 2013 8:30 pmJohn Hughes High: June of '87
June 20, 2013 8:30 pmFigment Theater's The Vagabond Sessions
June 20, 2013 9:00 pmGet Real 4 @ Underground Arts
June 20, 2013 9:30 pmDaniel Tosh
June 21, 2013 7:00 pmOld School's Comedy Showcase
June 21, 2013 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
June 21, 2013 7:30 pmBert Kreischer
June 21, 2013 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
June 21, 2013 9:00 pmSomething Witty at The Dive
June 21, 2013 10:00 pmBert Kreischer
June 22, 2013 7:30 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
June 22, 2013 7:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club
June 22, 2013 9:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club
June 22, 2013 9:30 pmThe Comedy Works
June 22, 2013 10:00 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia

AEC v1.0.4

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 36

By Aaron Hertzog, on June 14th, 2013

I once dated a girl because her http://t.co/DaISSUroDV profile stated she had lots of "pizzaz". I misread it as "pizzas".

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) June 14, 2013

It's awkward when my therapist asks if I've thought about suicide or made a plan… I guess so? I had a bunch of "Save the Date"s printed.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) June 14, 2013

Alright let's get to it, you big fucking asshole. *finishes brushing teeth, continues to avoid own gaze in bathroom mirror*

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) June 13, 2013

That's what I love about corpses. I get older, they stay the SAME AGE.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) June 12, 2013

And as always, a happy early Father's Day to Papa Roach.

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) June 12, 2013

I have an agreement with the cockroaches in my house: I let them go wherever they want, and that's it. That's the agreement.

— Paul Triggiani (@PaulTrigg) June 10, 2013

If someone had told me in high school how cool nerds were gonna be when I got older I wouldnt have wasted all that time getting really cool

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) June 8, 2013

I think I trend more toward "politically inaccurate" than "politically incorrect."

— Alison Lynn (@Alison_lynnZ) June 8, 2013

MY COCK IS ON CAPS LOCK! - a rapper or something

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) June 8, 2013

"You can cut it in half and it will still be alive!" – my neighbor's kid, the (hopefully) worm murderer

— Carolyn Busa (@misstoiletslave) June 8, 2013

"I like the way you work it. No diggity. I gotta bag it up." –grocery store bagger to customer, moments before he's fired

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) June 7, 2013

Went to a Super Walmart because the regular ones are so pedestrian.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) June 14, 2013

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 34

By Aaron Hertzog, on May 31st, 2013

Really hoping Will Smith says “Welcome to Battlefield Earth!” to an alien in After Earth.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 31, 2013

Just stopped myself from saying something mean on the internet by going outside, taking a deep breath, and punching my neighbor in the face.

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) May 31, 2013

I had ice cream for dinner. Hey! At least it was on a sandwich. Am I right I say to no one in the room.

— Carolyn Busa (@misstoiletslave) May 29, 2013

Having difficulty slipping the phrase “were we ever so young?” into casual conversation with this cab driver.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) May 31, 2013

I’ll be honest- I’ve been in a fist fight with most of you in my mind.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) May 27, 2013

I’m at the age where I can understand having a favorite mug.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) May 29, 2013

Even a baby monkey riding a puppy isn’t cuter than a 5 yr old with corrective eye glasses.

— Tommy Pope (@TommyJPope) May 26, 2013

I wish Abbott and Costello were still around today so they could make “Abbott & Costello Meet the Human Centipede” #fb

— John Kensil (@johnkensil) May 31, 2013

Selling my CDs after this show. Mostly old Beatles and Stones that I’m sick of listening to.

— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) May 31, 2013

I’m buy-curious. I buy Curious George books and then…ya know…

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) May 29, 2013

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 33

By Aaron Hertzog, on May 17th, 2013

I mean, if you can’t trust some douchebag crust punk drifter with an ax, who CAN you trust?

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) May 16, 2013

I’ve created my own prison. You’re right again, Creed lyric of the day calendar.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 17, 2013

I keep thinking I need a free spirit to bring out my adventurous side…but then I remember I hate free spirits, and adventure, and people.

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) May 16, 2013

“You know, for someone who complains about people who complain all the time, you sure do complain a lot.” – Me, to me.

— Mike Logan (@LoganDoesComedy) May 13, 2013

I swear, I can’t sleep without the television on (at full volume playing season 2 episode 14 of Grace Under Fire at 1/16th its normal speed)

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) May 14, 2013

“Not bragging or anything, but how many little league world champions have you screwed?” – Woman pouring shots at Toms River, NJ Strip Club

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) May 17, 2013

You know what goes great with coffee?A coworker starting an unsolicited conversation about having her uterus removed.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) May 17, 2013

“We’ve got gang bangs.” –gang leader, enforcing the group’s mandatory haircut

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) May 16, 2013

Maybe if The Baha Men focused on solving the problem instead of stating it repeatedly, they’d get an answer.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) May 15, 2013

Y’know that feeling when you cut yourself accidentally and then you’re like, “that was nice. I should do this more often.”

— Alex Grubard (@Alexgrubard) May 13, 2013

I can’t believe diapers are fireproof. See for yourself!

— Paul Triggiani (@PaulTrigg) May 11, 2013

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 31

By Aaron Hertzog, on May 3rd, 2013

I should have focused in college more on the ‘What I want to do with my life’ part & less of the ‘Everyday is like Old Country Buffet’ part

— Carolyn Busa (@misstoiletslave) May 2, 2013

If I were in charge of prisons, I would ban all large pushcarts full of dirty laundry.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) April 27, 2013

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was during that TED talk he gave on how optical illusions work.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) April 30, 2013

“The good witch” is NOT the right answer to “How would you describe yourself?” in an interview.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) May 2, 2013

When people say they ‘feel some type of way’ they don’t know what they mean either. #TypaWay

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) May 2, 2013

A lot of my “step two’s” are get ketchup.

— Jp Boudwin (@JpBoudwin) April 30, 2013

Saw a pair of sweatpants yesterday that I really wanted. I didn’t get them because I’m not ready for owning multiple pairs of sweatpants.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 27, 2013

did you ever see a moviethat everybodylovedbut youhated ? that’s how I feelabout the Zapruder film, oh, and ET

— John Kensil (@johnkensil) April 27, 2013

“So far I’ve accumulated 1,620 ways to Drive my Man Wild!” –person who enjoys magazines

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) April 29, 2013

“Toiletries don’t grow on Toilet Trees!” -a parent lecturing their child about wasting Q-tips.

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) May 1, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 27

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 5th, 2013

No one else has used the tshirt slogan “SOFT ICE CREAM GETS ME HARD”, right?

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 3, 2013

Video games, working on comedy, healthy marriage. Pick two. Whoops, I picked video games twice.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 3, 2013

I accidentally asked a pregnant lady if she was just fat. #Whoops!

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) April 1, 2013

If I played for a soccer team it’d be called Reál Insecuré.

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) April 1, 2013

My cat’s declawed, so now his only weapon is sarcasm.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) March 29, 2013

I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.

— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) April 2, 2013

Can’t wait to see who’s gonna be the winner of the “Go to Opening Day with Johnny Goodtimes” contest! Just give me a ticket, and you win!

— Johnny Goodtimes (@JohnnyGoodtimes) April 5, 2013

Just so you know, the guy at 7 Eleven doesn’t care that “Ima put these sweedish fish in my belly aquarium.”

— John McKeever (@JohnnyMcKeever) April 5, 2013

Starting to realize that every time someone’s told me to believe in myself, they were secretly trying to sabotage me.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 31, 2013

I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and see if that gives me a better view inside this guy’s bedroom.

— Alejandro Morales(@AlleyHandRow) April 3, 2013

Birds chirping at 530am are the “white people asking if it’s Friday yet” of the animal kingdom.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 4, 2013

All jokes have been made. Log off now.

— Daniel Eastman (@danieleastman) April 5, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 25

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 22nd, 2013

I work in a rubiks cubicle. Takes me hours to get in and out.

— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) March 22, 2013

I put the “miss” in “misanthrope,” if you spell it wrong, you dumb jerk.

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) March 19, 2013

I don’t suppress my anger so much as put it in a freezer, where it’s safely stored until I can pull it out as a solid ball to hurl at a car.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 20, 2013

I miss winter already. Soon I won’t have anything to blame my shitty mood on.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 20, 2013

I’ve heard drugs are fun, but I prefer organizing pens and stuff around my office.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 21, 2013

If picking your nose was an Olympic event, I’d be like ‘why is this an Olympic event?’

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) March 19, 2013

Everyone’s online dating profile is different but they all basically end with “or best offer.”

— John McKeever (@JohnnyMcKeever) March 19, 2013

The worst part about having a stomach bug is knowing someone is illegally listening in on everything that is going on inside your stomach.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) March 19, 2013

Any illusion I may have had about being a real man was destroyed this weekend when I discovered the show “Too Cute!” on Animal Planet.

— Pat Barker (@patbarkercomedy) March 18, 2013

the big oscar movie this year was about mentally ill fuck ups living w/ their parents in the burbs just west of philly. so….not a loser

— JULIET HOPE WAYNE (@juliethopewayne) March 19, 2013

“Really thinking about getting back into thinking about getting back into things.” -every 30 year-old

— Carl Boccuti (@bocooter) March 21, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 23

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 8th, 2013

The TSA will allow small knives on planes again, so we can finally get back what we missed most about flying: reenacting the Beat It video.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 6, 2013

My brain still refers to a large group of people other than myself as “grown ups”.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 5, 2013

Sorry officer, but whipping rocks at birds is part of my religion.

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) March 4, 2013

I have an Odometer in my car. It tells me how many times a day Lamar Odom wishes he didn’t marry a Kardashian. #125431

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) March 4, 2013

75 Trombones?! That’s not enough for this big parade! #paradeproblems #moretrombones

— Brendan Kennedy (@brendankennedy) March 5, 2013

Every time my cat sleeps next to my baby I feel like the internet has come to life.

— Lora(@LoraNeely) March 1, 2013

Playing video games online is like middle school. It’s where I go to get made fun of by thirteen year olds.

— Luke Giordano (@lukegiordano) March 3, 2013

“Do you wash your jeans?” -Someone Who Doesn’t.

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) March 4, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

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