Upcoming Shows

  • October 24, 2014 8:00 amNationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
  • October 24, 2014 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
  • October 24, 2014 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
  • October 24, 2014 8:00 pmCrazy Cow Comedy
  • October 24, 2014 8:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • October 24, 2014 9:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • October 25, 2014Nationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Heliun
  • October 25, 2014Nationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
  • October 25, 2014 7:30 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
  • October 25, 2014 8:00 pmCrazy Cow Comedy
  • October 25, 2014 9:00 pmComedy Train Rek presents Awkward Sex and the City
  • October 25, 2014 9:30 pmThe Comedy Works
  • October 25, 2014 10:00 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
  • October 25, 2014 10:30 pmImprov Comedy: PHIT House Teams
  • October 29, 2014 8:00 pmComedy Masters
  • October 30, 2014 8:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • October 30, 2014 9:00 pmThe Comedy Attic
  • October 31, 2014 8:00 amNationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
  • October 31, 2014 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
  • October 31, 2014 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
  • October 31, 2014 8:00 pmCrazy Cow Comedy
  • October 31, 2014 8:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • October 31, 2014 9:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • November 1, 2014Nationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Heliun
  • November 1, 2014Nationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
AEC v1.0.4

Significant Passages from Dick Cheney’s Memoir “In My Time” Removed by the Editor (by Greg Maughan)

Confession that he didn’t like Kid Rock’s country music, or Rock music in general, or kids: “I always found children were more useful as a way to avoid being drafted than as a source of happiness and meaning in one’s life.”

Details of meeting with Hollywood director Bryan Singer after he stepped down as Secretary of Defense that served inspiration for the character Keyzer Soze in The Usual Suspects: “When the movie was released I was furious – I had made an explicit deal with Singer to name the villain based of myself ‘Haddam al-Sussein’ and make him middle-eastern, not eastern European.”

Admission that he found daughter Mary “hotter” after she came out as a lesbian, but didn’t think she was a “MILF” after the birth of his grandson Samuel: “Perhaps I would have felt differently if the birth hadn’t left a C-section scar, or Mary’s partner Heather hadn’t let herself go so badly.”

Pushed for war to overthrow Saddam Hussein because watching Wolf Blitzer report live from Iraq was wife Lynne’s only turn-on: “Watching Lynne become flushed any time she heard The Situation Room theme music always made my heart race, or at least it did when I still had a pulse.”

Vivid description of hunting trip in Bend Bend Ranch State Park with Texas Governor Rick Perry during autumn 2005 at which Cheney won a contest to see who could kill more migrant workers: “I was both surprised and deeply offended to learn that the blood of Mexicans is red, just like American blood.”

Moment when he realized “enhanced interrogation” wasn’t as effective as claimed after personally failing to waterboard David Chase into revealing whether Tony died when the final episode of The Sopranos cut to black:“Chase did eventually begin trying to bargain, promising he would write a Sopranos movie that made Tony’s fate clear, but by that point I had lost interest in anything he said that didn’t immediately address my question.”

First-hand account of meeting where Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Alberto Gonzales agreed to replace Bush’s Presidential Daily Briefing with Marmaduke comics during height of the Iraqi insurgency:“Rummy was insistent that we include the ‘Dog Gone Funny’ sidebars from the Sunday strips as well, but Al wouldn’t have any of it. He claimed the President might recognize one of his own letters to Brad Anderson about Barney as the inspiration for the panels.”

Entire chapter dedicated to his time since leaving office filled with synopses of 24 episodes and a rank order list of former Vice President’s favorite crossbows available for purchase at the Jackson Hole, Wyoming Kmart: “I especially enjoy 24 because the creator Joel Surnow assassinated not one, but two African-American Democratic Presidents.”

Passage in which Cheney explains he feels more human since he had a pump installed in his heart that leaves him without a pulse: “While it’s true that being alive without a heartbeat is unusual, it’s also unusual to have a metal plate for a skull – and I don’t see anybody claiming Gabby Giffords is a machine.”

 

Mark Leopold “Interviews” Dennis Trafny

Mark Leopold is a Philadelphia improviser, sketch comedian, employee, someone-whose-affection-for-cheese-leads-him-to-buy-far-more-than-he actually-ends-up-using-and-in-the-end-probably-wastes-more-than-he-eats-and-just-really-wishes-he-had-that-part-of-his-life-worked-out-a-little-more clearly,and a friend. He is a member of the PHIT house team Hey Rube as well as a new addition to the cast of Comedysportz and he does sketch comedy with his group The Hold-up. When he isn’t doing one of these things he is busy doing other things, like working and laundry, and so while he sincerely wishes he was able to be a real interviewer, the best he is able to do is interview people in his head while he drives different places. Today, while on 95 south, Mark took some time to sit down on a Euclidian plane in his head with Philadelphia improviser and Hey Rube teammate Dennis Trafny.

Mark Leopold: Hey Dennis, it’s me Mark!

Dennis Trafny: Where the hell are we?

ML: It’s a Euclidian plane.

DT: Is this a metaphor?

ML: Nope, just a mathematical plane.

DT: I mean, does the existence of this place inside of you represent some subtle and ignored aspect of who you are?

ML: Uh…maybe. I just thought it would be a neat place to do an interview.

DT: Why?

ML: Because it’s a place where math and physics exist perfectly. In the real world, the imperfections of matter prevent those things from being observably true.

DT: This is starting to sound a whole lot like a metaphor.

ML: It’s not a metaphor. Just drop it. I thought you would like it here.

DT: I don’t.

ML: Why not? It’s awesome…math and physics exist as a reali…

DT: Pirate ship.

ML: Pardon?

DT: You should have chosen to interview me on a pirate ship.

ML: …that…seems…dumb.

DT: Pirate ships are in no way dumb.

ML: Okay fine.

The Euclidian plane, which was totally awesome, fades away and is replaced by a big dumbpirate ship. Mark and Dennis are now suddenly dressed as pirates, which makes no sense at all,but hey, whatever right?

DT: What the hell?

ML: What!

DT: These are the worst pirate outfits ever. They’re not even close to anything authentic.

ML: What did you expect? I have no exposure to pirate culture. My only reference for piracy is a news item from a few years ago and the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

DT: I think you misspelled Carrbiean.

ML: Nope, I had to check with Google, but it’s spelled Caribbean.

DT: You’re sure? Two Bs in a row?

ML: It’s a crazy mixed up world Dennis.

DT: Well either way you could make us look more badass…

ML: Swiss Family Robinson.

DT: …

ML: There were pirates in that movie as well, but again, they were like cartoon pirates.

DT: Whatever, let’s just shoot cannons or something while we’re here.

ML: Forget this, we’re going back to the Euclidian plane.

DT: No, come on…

ML: Hey, I’m running this interview okay? I’ll do it where I want to do it. I initially thought you’d be psyched about the Euclidian plane…

DT: Why would I be excited about that?

ML: Because you’re a doctor! I thought you’d be impressed.

DT: I’m a veterinarian.

ML: …which is like a doctor.

DT: Not really.

ML: You went to animal medical school and stuff, so it’s like a doctor.

DT: It really isn’t. I mean, when pretty much the first thing you recommend is euthanasia, it’s not exactly…

ML: …this is starting to feel really disrespectful towards veterinarians.

DT: We’re cool with it.

ML: Well you better be. I don’t need Dr. Dolittle showing up at my door…

DT: Okay, now you’re crossing a line dude.

ML: Ugh, whatever. I need to pull over and get some gas anyway.

DT: Later.

ML: Yeah…later.

Dennis stands there on the Euclidian plane dressed like a stupid pirate…and it makes no sense.

Mark Leopold “Interviews” Aaron Hertzog

Mark Leopold is a Philadelphia improviser, sketch comedian, employee, driver-who-talks-on-his-cell-phone-but-is-constantly-scanning-the-road-for-police-officers-because-then-he’ll- totally-just-drop-his-phone-into-his-lap-and-pretend-he-was-just-resting-his-head-on-his-hand- and-they’ll-never-even-have-a-clue, and a friend. He is a member of the PHIT house team Hey Rube as well as a new addition to the cast of Comedysportz and he does sketch comedy with his group The Hold-up. When he isn’t doing one of these things he is busy doing other things, like working and laundry, and so while he sincerely wishes he was able to be a real interviewer, the best he is able to do is interview people in his head while he drives different places. Today, while on 476 north, Mark took some time to sit down in a very quaint coffee shop in his head with Philadelphia comedian, improviser, sketch guy, and Hey Rube teammate Aaron Hertzog.

MARK LEOPOLD: Hey Aaron, it’s me Mark!

AARON HERTZOG: (laughing) Hey Mark.

ML: I’m glad you took the time to sit down with me today.

AH: I’m happy to do it Mark.

ML: So let’s just dive right in, who are you and what have you done with my son?

Aaron laughs and Mark joins him. Aaron stops laughing and looks at Mark expectantly.

ML: Do you want money? Is that it?

AH: I don’t have your son, I didn’t even know you had a son.

ML: I don’t in real life, but I do here.

AH: Here in your head?

ML: Yes. Here in my head at the coffee shop which, now that I stop and think about it for a second, is just the coffee shop from Inception where Leonardo DiCaprio explains the premise of the movie to Ellen Page.

AH: You want to make everything explode? This is your day dream after all.

ML: Get real Aaron! That would be so derivative.

The coffee shop explodes but, since my memory isn’t great, the way it is rendered leaves a lot to be desired.

AH: That was fun.

ML: Eh.

AH: You didn’t think that was fun?

ML: The whole thing just felt forced.

AH: …okay then.

There is a moment of uncomfortable silence as Mark looks at a speck of something that is floating in his coffee. He hopes it’s just a coffee ground, but with all the explosions and everything, it seems more likely to be a piece of debris. He picks it out of his coffee and wipes his fingers on a napkin. Aaron tries to force small talk.

AH: I don’t drink coffee.

ML: No?

AH: No, I don’t like the taste.

ML: Yeah, I could see that.

AH: I guess I’m not an “adult.”

ML: Do you still like the smell of gasoline?

AH: Yeah.

ML: Me too, but not as much.

AH: That’s weird how you grow to like some smells when you grow up and you stop liking others. You always hear about acquired tastes, but you don’t hear much about acquired smells.

ML: Like body odor.

AH: I don’t think that’s true.

ML: I think I read somewhere that Matthew McConaughey doesn’t wear deodorant because he thinks women like the way he smells naturally.

AH: I bet he smells like vanilla.

ML: …but like, really manly vanilla.

AH: That wouldn’t work out as well for me.

ML: Yeah, me neither, I’m an Old Spice man now. I made the switch. It took a little while for my armpits to stop burning when I put it on, but I think the nerve endings are dead now. So it was tough, but hey, I really like their commercials.

AH: Well you had no choice then.

ML: True. Op! This is my exit Aaron, I gotta run.

AH: See you! Friendship!

ML: Friendship!

The coffee shop re-explodes.