christian alsis

May 25, 2013 10:00 pmPHIT House Team Night
May 25, 2013 10:00 pmPete Holmes
May 25, 2013 11:00 pmCagematch
May 26, 2013 11:00 amComedySportz for Kids
May 26, 2013 5:00 pmPHIT Conservatory presents: "Hydra"
May 26, 2013 7:00 pmPHIT Conservatory presents: "Hydra"
May 26, 2013 8:30 pmThe Deans
May 28, 2013 7:00 pmChaperone + Kait & Andrew
May 28, 2013 8:00 pmThe Not Just Comedy Show
May 28, 2013 8:00 pmComedy Bonfire: Episode Two
May 28, 2013 8:00 pmCutlerfest 2013
May 28, 2013 8:30 pmPHIT House Team Harold Night
May 28, 2013 9:00 pmKomedy at the Khyber
May 28, 2013 9:30 pmPHIT Improv Jam
May 29, 2013 7:00 pmPHIT Sweeps Weeks
May 29, 2013 8:00 pmConklin's Comedy Night
May 30, 2013 8:00 pmLaff Therapy Thursdays
May 31, 2013 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
May 31, 2013 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
June 1, 2013 7:30 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
June 1, 2013 7:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club
June 1, 2013 9:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club
June 1, 2013 9:30 pmThe Comedy Works
June 1, 2013 10:00 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
June 5, 2013 8:00 pmConklin's Comedy Night

AEC v1.0.4

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 33

By Aaron Hertzog, on May 17th, 2013

I mean, if you can’t trust some douchebag crust punk drifter with an ax, who CAN you trust?

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) May 16, 2013

I’ve created my own prison. You’re right again, Creed lyric of the day calendar.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 17, 2013

I keep thinking I need a free spirit to bring out my adventurous side…but then I remember I hate free spirits, and adventure, and people.

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) May 16, 2013

“You know, for someone who complains about people who complain all the time, you sure do complain a lot.” – Me, to me.

— Mike Logan (@LoganDoesComedy) May 13, 2013

I swear, I can’t sleep without the television on (at full volume playing season 2 episode 14 of Grace Under Fire at 1/16th its normal speed)

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) May 14, 2013

“Not bragging or anything, but how many little league world champions have you screwed?” – Woman pouring shots at Toms River, NJ Strip Club

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) May 17, 2013

You know what goes great with coffee?A coworker starting an unsolicited conversation about having her uterus removed.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) May 17, 2013

“We’ve got gang bangs.” –gang leader, enforcing the group’s mandatory haircut

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) May 16, 2013

Maybe if The Baha Men focused on solving the problem instead of stating it repeatedly, they’d get an answer.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) May 15, 2013

Y’know that feeling when you cut yourself accidentally and then you’re like, “that was nice. I should do this more often.”

— Alex Grubard (@Alexgrubard) May 13, 2013

I can’t believe diapers are fireproof. See for yourself!

— Paul Triggiani (@PaulTrigg) May 11, 2013

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 31

By Aaron Hertzog, on May 3rd, 2013

I should have focused in college more on the ‘What I want to do with my life’ part & less of the ‘Everyday is like Old Country Buffet’ part

— Carolyn Busa (@misstoiletslave) May 2, 2013

If I were in charge of prisons, I would ban all large pushcarts full of dirty laundry.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) April 27, 2013

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was during that TED talk he gave on how optical illusions work.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) April 30, 2013

“The good witch” is NOT the right answer to “How would you describe yourself?” in an interview.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) May 2, 2013

When people say they ‘feel some type of way’ they don’t know what they mean either. #TypaWay

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) May 2, 2013

A lot of my “step two’s” are get ketchup.

— Jp Boudwin (@JpBoudwin) April 30, 2013

Saw a pair of sweatpants yesterday that I really wanted. I didn’t get them because I’m not ready for owning multiple pairs of sweatpants.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 27, 2013

did you ever see a moviethat everybodylovedbut youhated ? that’s how I feelabout the Zapruder film, oh, and ET

— John Kensil (@johnkensil) April 27, 2013

“So far I’ve accumulated 1,620 ways to Drive my Man Wild!” –person who enjoys magazines

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) April 29, 2013

“Toiletries don’t grow on Toilet Trees!” -a parent lecturing their child about wasting Q-tips.

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) May 1, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 29

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 19th, 2013

My self-esteem waivers daily between pageant winner and an animal wearing a cone.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) April 17, 2013

The Bible really jumps the shark when Jesus invents a contraption that turns him into ultra-suave ladies man Jeezy Chrizzist

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) April 16, 2013

People are bashing Congress today. But I still believe in the the sanctity of our government, and its three branches: Oil, Guns, and Banks.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 18, 2013

Thankfully, I don’t like my women like I like my music: heavy fuzz, distorted bottom, and guttural.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 18, 2013

Looking to invest. Anyone sitting on an invention that hurts others and tells people you’re dumb but makes you feel like your wang is huge?

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) April 18, 2013

I’m in favor of thorough background checks. Without them, I would have never seen that kid ghost in 3 Men and a Baby.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 18, 2013

Apparently the IRS doesnt like my tax filing status of “single, looking to mingle”

— Kevin Ryan (@KevinRyan00) April 15, 2013

So frustrated. Can’t find any entry level space jobs. How can I get space experience if all the space jobs require 4 years space experience?

— Trevor Cunnion (@TrevorCunnion) April 18, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 25

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 22nd, 2013

I work in a rubiks cubicle. Takes me hours to get in and out.

— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) March 22, 2013

I put the “miss” in “misanthrope,” if you spell it wrong, you dumb jerk.

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) March 19, 2013

I don’t suppress my anger so much as put it in a freezer, where it’s safely stored until I can pull it out as a solid ball to hurl at a car.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 20, 2013

I miss winter already. Soon I won’t have anything to blame my shitty mood on.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 20, 2013

I’ve heard drugs are fun, but I prefer organizing pens and stuff around my office.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 21, 2013

If picking your nose was an Olympic event, I’d be like ‘why is this an Olympic event?’

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) March 19, 2013

Everyone’s online dating profile is different but they all basically end with “or best offer.”

— John McKeever (@JohnnyMcKeever) March 19, 2013

The worst part about having a stomach bug is knowing someone is illegally listening in on everything that is going on inside your stomach.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) March 19, 2013

Any illusion I may have had about being a real man was destroyed this weekend when I discovered the show “Too Cute!” on Animal Planet.

— Pat Barker (@patbarkercomedy) March 18, 2013

the big oscar movie this year was about mentally ill fuck ups living w/ their parents in the burbs just west of philly. so….not a loser

— JULIET HOPE WAYNE (@juliethopewayne) March 19, 2013

“Really thinking about getting back into thinking about getting back into things.” -every 30 year-old

— Carl Boccuti (@bocooter) March 21, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 24

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 15th, 2013

The ideal sales résumé is a glossy photo of Alec Baldwin with “A.B.C.” written on it in blood. Also, your name and phone number somewhere.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 13, 2013

“And this is a flamingo named “Pelican” after that scene in Scarface where Tony calls a flamingo a pelican.” – My future MTV Cribs

— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) March 15, 2013

I always get nostalgic whenever there is a hurricane on the news because my first kiss was with a girl named Gail Forcewinds.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) March 11, 2013

My second-favorite sport is penultimate frisbee.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 15, 2013

I’d hate to work at a Goodwill the day hipster goes out of style.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 11, 2013

“Hey kids! Everything is stupid and will end in disappointment!” -Me, if I were in charge of kids

— Luke Field (@LukeRobot) March 9, 2013

O Block Captain! My Block Captain! our fearful trip is done.The block has weather’d every dirtball, the prize we sought is fuckin’…

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) March 13, 2013

Resume tip: it is more important than ever to specify whether or not you “will do butt stuff”

— Alexis Simpson (@amutepiggy) March 9, 2013

My book has officially become the highest selling book in my household, narrowly surpassing Jaime’s 2010 memoir, “Living with a Fat Fuck …

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) March 13, 2013

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Is it because you cover yourself in peanut butter and then roll around in seeds?

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 11, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 18

By Aaron Hertzog, on February 1st, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 16

By Aaron Hertzog, on January 18th, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Another WitOut EXCLUSIVE: Video Reels from Last Night’s WitOut Awards

By Alison Zeidman, on January 14th, 2013

STOP THE PRESSES (or “stop the internet”?). Through some real hard-hitting journalistic mastery, we’ve gotten our hot little hands on the three video reels that ran during the 2013 WitOut Awards for Philadelphia Comedy…oh, and also, we have them because we’re the ones who made ‘em. (We just get such a kick out of referrin’ to our own shit as “exclusive.”)

Thanks to all of the writers who helped with the show and contributed to the jokes in these reels (Aaron Hertzog, Alison Zeidman, Chip Chantry, Jim Grammond, Christian Alsis, Carolyn Busa, Ralph Andracchio, JP Boudwin, Jason Grimley, Greg Maughan and Joe Moore).

A List of All the Nominees Who Voted For Themsleves (Pro Tip: It’s Just Everyone)

In Memoriam

Pre-Show Awards

Meet Your Nominees for the 2013 Witout Awards: Special Achievement in the Field of Tweeting

By Alison Zeidman, on January 11th, 2013

It’s almost time for the 2013 WitOut Awards for Philadelphia Comedy! As we get closer to the show, we’ll be rolling out a series of posts to help you get more acquainted with this year’s nominees. Read all about ‘em, and then be sure to get your tickets for the big event on January 13th at World Cafe Live!

The nominees for Special Achievement in the Field of Tweeting are:

Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry)