chip chantry « WitOut

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AEC v1.0.4

Hey, Real Quick with Chip Chantry

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 30th, 2013

Helium Comedy Club has been busy producing some original web videos lately. Last week, they brought us The Up-and-Comer, in which local comedian Aaron Nevins sat down to interview Gilbert Gottfried. Today, they debut Hey, Real Quick with Chip Chantry: a minute-long video of the comedian telling topical jokes, some straight from his must-follow Twitter account.

If you are a Philadelphia comedy performer that produces a podcast, web series, sketch video, humor column, or any other online content let us know by emailing us at contact@witout.net so we can share it!

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 30

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 26th, 2013

I’m not bragging or anything, but the status of my laundry no longer depends on the amount of quarters in my Hard Rock Cafe 1994 cup.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 21, 2013

“It’s my damn ark. I’m Noah! And I say we’re gonna see if unicorns can swim!” – How unicorns went extinct

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 19, 2013

Scrunchies were originally invented to eliminate hair pulling while fistfighting your step-mom.

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) April 25, 2013

Me and my ex girlfriend have so much in common.We both love terrible sci fi and we’ve each given me hand jobs.

— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) April 22, 2013

Maybe those family member car decal stickers aren’t that at all, but actually a visual tally of how many people your minivan has killed.

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) April 22, 2013

Guns are a real Catch 22. How do I steal a gun if I don’t already have a gun?!

— Billy Bob Thompson (@BillyBobThomps) April 25, 2013

I don’t get people who freak out at work.My dad taught me to put up a good front, and be an emotional wreck in the privacy of my home.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) April 23, 2013

There should be a company I can call and they feel excited for me when I do exercise or eat oatmeal or whatever grown-up stuff I do…

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) April 23, 2013

“She’s about to molt.” –average bird watcher, engaging in totally normal, not deviant hobby of spying on little birds

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) April 25, 2013

The name “Mr. Softee” is misleading; every time I hear that truck’s music I get an erection.

— David Terruso (@DavidTerruso) April 25, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Comedy is Liberty: Guess the Headliner

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 25th, 2013

The second Comedy is Liberty weekend show is this Saturday at Liberties Bar & Grill. In this promo video Alison Zeidman hosts as Steven Bryan tries to guess who will be headlining the stand-up comedy showcase.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 29

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 19th, 2013

My self-esteem waivers daily between pageant winner and an animal wearing a cone.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) April 17, 2013

The Bible really jumps the shark when Jesus invents a contraption that turns him into ultra-suave ladies man Jeezy Chrizzist

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) April 16, 2013

People are bashing Congress today. But I still believe in the the sanctity of our government, and its three branches: Oil, Guns, and Banks.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 18, 2013

Thankfully, I don’t like my women like I like my music: heavy fuzz, distorted bottom, and guttural.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 18, 2013

Looking to invest. Anyone sitting on an invention that hurts others and tells people you’re dumb but makes you feel like your wang is huge?

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) April 18, 2013

I’m in favor of thorough background checks. Without them, I would have never seen that kid ghost in 3 Men and a Baby.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 18, 2013

Apparently the IRS doesnt like my tax filing status of “single, looking to mingle”

— Kevin Ryan (@KevinRyan00) April 15, 2013

So frustrated. Can’t find any entry level space jobs. How can I get space experience if all the space jobs require 4 years space experience?

— Trevor Cunnion (@TrevorCunnion) April 18, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 28

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 12th, 2013

Why doesn’t the media report the POSITIVE stories about guns?Like how they make you feel like your dick’s bigger?

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) April 10, 2013

QUESTION: Does anyone know how to decorate the top of a latte to look like a wasted degree in graphic design?

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 7, 2013

If you like watching porn, you’re probably gonna love this video of somebody else eating ice cream without you.

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) April 5, 2013

You know, being “Joe Moore” is all fine and good, but sometimes I just wanna be plain old “Screaming Maniac Wielding Nunchucks.”

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) April 9, 2013

“My artisan mayo guy is in Bolivia for a month, so I can’t make a decent sandwich.” – My imaginary worst enemy. Also, me with more money.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 8, 2013

Come on white ppl, shorts on in…..nah im jokin…its hot enough now

— Omar J. Scruggs (@OmarScruggs) April 9, 2013

Bad news: The maid I employ for my yacht gets motion sickness real bad and we’re taking her disability claim to court.

— Holding Court (@holdingcourtpod) April 11, 2013

Satellite images show that North Korea’s long-range missiles are actually just broken hot dog guns.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 12, 2013

Okay, a lot of you seem to think you know a lot about basketball, but can you even name three cities in the state of Wichita?

— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) April 6, 2013

Work hard and try your best, and someday you’ll be dead just like everyone who goofed around the whole time.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) April 10, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Chip Chantry Just Added to ‘Always Remember with Alex and Corey’ Line-up

By Alison Zeidman, on April 9th, 2013

Sad news: Dave Hill is stuck in L.A. and won’t be able to headline tonight’s Always Remember with Alex and Corey, hosted by Alex Pearlman and Corey Cohen. BUT, at the last minute, Philly favorite Chip Chantry has agreed to step in! The day is saved!

The show starts at 8PM at L’etage and will also feature T.j. Hurley, Ryan Shaner and The Necrosexual. Admission was originally $10, but it’s just been slashed IN HALF to $5. You can find full deets on the ‘book: https://www.facebook.com/events/118455065007118/

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 27

By Aaron Hertzog, on April 5th, 2013

No one else has used the tshirt slogan “SOFT ICE CREAM GETS ME HARD”, right?

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 3, 2013

Video games, working on comedy, healthy marriage. Pick two. Whoops, I picked video games twice.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 3, 2013

I accidentally asked a pregnant lady if she was just fat. #Whoops!

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) April 1, 2013

If I played for a soccer team it’d be called Reál Insecuré.

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) April 1, 2013

My cat’s declawed, so now his only weapon is sarcasm.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) March 29, 2013

I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.

— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) April 2, 2013

Can’t wait to see who’s gonna be the winner of the “Go to Opening Day with Johnny Goodtimes” contest! Just give me a ticket, and you win!

— Johnny Goodtimes (@JohnnyGoodtimes) April 5, 2013

Just so you know, the guy at 7 Eleven doesn’t care that “Ima put these sweedish fish in my belly aquarium.”

— John McKeever (@JohnnyMcKeever) April 5, 2013

Starting to realize that every time someone’s told me to believe in myself, they were secretly trying to sabotage me.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 31, 2013

I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and see if that gives me a better view inside this guy’s bedroom.

— Alejandro Morales(@AlleyHandRow) April 3, 2013

Birds chirping at 530am are the “white people asking if it’s Friday yet” of the animal kingdom.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 4, 2013

All jokes have been made. Log off now.

— Daniel Eastman (@danieleastman) April 5, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 26

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 29th, 2013

People say Bush stole the 2000 election but no one says bupkis about the chronic, chronic cheating of the Harlem Globetrotters. #fb

— John Kensil (@johnkensil) March 24, 2013

“Is that the guy from the Strokes? Is that the guy from the Strokes? Is that the guy from the Strokes?”- Me, all day yesterday in Brooklyn

— John McKeever (@JohnnyMcKeever) March 26, 2013

I moisturize to stay youthful, but I know I’m just making it easier for whomever ends up wearing me as a skin suit.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 25, 2013

I accidentally replaced my gym playlist with my Elliott Smith one, which is why all I did was run suicides for 15 minutes.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 25, 2013

At the beach with my family.Jake: Let’s bury Mommy!Me: (cold, distant) Someday son… someday.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) March 28, 2013

I be on my soup and fries shit. #diners

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) March 27, 2013

Gearing up for Easter! Just “hid” a dozen eggs on the hood of my neighbor’s new Escalade.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 28, 2013

whispering “im a normal person” over and over is totally normal right

— noralynn (@narwhalynn) March 28, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 24

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 15th, 2013

The ideal sales résumé is a glossy photo of Alec Baldwin with “A.B.C.” written on it in blood. Also, your name and phone number somewhere.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 13, 2013

“And this is a flamingo named “Pelican” after that scene in Scarface where Tony calls a flamingo a pelican.” – My future MTV Cribs

— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) March 15, 2013

I always get nostalgic whenever there is a hurricane on the news because my first kiss was with a girl named Gail Forcewinds.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) March 11, 2013

My second-favorite sport is penultimate frisbee.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 15, 2013

I’d hate to work at a Goodwill the day hipster goes out of style.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 11, 2013

“Hey kids! Everything is stupid and will end in disappointment!” -Me, if I were in charge of kids

— Luke Field (@LukeRobot) March 9, 2013

O Block Captain! My Block Captain! our fearful trip is done.The block has weather’d every dirtball, the prize we sought is fuckin’…

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) March 13, 2013

Resume tip: it is more important than ever to specify whether or not you “will do butt stuff”

— Alexis Simpson (@amutepiggy) March 9, 2013

My book has officially become the highest selling book in my household, narrowly surpassing Jaime’s 2010 memoir, “Living with a Fat Fuck …

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) March 13, 2013

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Is it because you cover yourself in peanut butter and then roll around in seeds?

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 11, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 22

By Aaron Hertzog, on March 1st, 2013

My car stereo has a scan button in case a bad song comes on. I also got a scan button put in for the clock in case I’m having a bad time.
— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) February 27, 2013

A little just birdie told me “You should go to the hospital, you hit your head really hard and have a severe concussion.”
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) February 25, 2013

I hate when I have something to complain about and someone tells me it’s a first world problem. #firstworldproblems

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) February 22, 2013

My diary is essentially Doogie Horner fan fiction.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) February 27, 2013

“I have had it with these mothafuckin Blakes on this mothafuckin plane!” -probably the people on this plane I’m on. #BlakeHistoryMonth

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) February 26, 2013

I refer to Medieval Times as my “home away from home” because sometimes I hide from the staff when they close and sleep there.

— Dominic Moschitti (@Dommoschitti) March 1, 2013

Still not sure if “husky” was a real catholic school uniform pants size or if my mom and the uniform store guy were just very openly cruel.

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) February 28, 2013

You know those videos of servicemen coming home and surprising their children? I act the same way every time the pizza guy shows up.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) February 28, 2013

Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.

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Hey, Real Quick with Chip Chantry

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 30

Comedy is Liberty: Guess the Headliner

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 29

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 28

Chip Chantry Just Added to ‘Always Remember with Alex and Corey’ Line-up

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 27

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 26

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 24

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 22

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