I work in a rubiks cubicle. Takes me hours to get in and out.
— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) March 22, 2013
I put the “miss” in “misanthrope,” if you spell it wrong, you dumb jerk.
— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) March 19, 2013
I don’t suppress my anger so much as put it in a freezer, where it’s safely stored until I can pull it out as a solid ball to hurl at a car.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 20, 2013
I miss winter already. Soon I won’t have anything to blame my shitty mood on.
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 20, 2013
I’ve heard drugs are fun, but I prefer organizing pens and stuff around my office.
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 21, 2013
If picking your nose was an Olympic event, I’d be like ‘why is this an Olympic event?’
— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) March 19, 2013
Everyone’s online dating profile is different but they all basically end with “or best offer.”
— John McKeever (@JohnnyMcKeever) March 19, 2013
The worst part about having a stomach bug is knowing someone is illegally listening in on everything that is going on inside your stomach.
— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) March 19, 2013
Any illusion I may have had about being a real man was destroyed this weekend when I discovered the show “Too Cute!” on Animal Planet.
— Pat Barker (@patbarkercomedy) March 18, 2013
the big oscar movie this year was about mentally ill fuck ups living w/ their parents in the burbs just west of philly. so….not a loser
— JULIET HOPE WAYNE (@juliethopewayne) March 19, 2013
“Really thinking about getting back into thinking about getting back into things.” -every 30 year-old
— Carl Boccuti (@bocooter) March 21, 2013
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