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  • October 3, 2014 9:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
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A Great Debate featuring Darryl Charles and James Hesky (Round Three)

ROUND 3 – What has started as a fireside discussion has quickly spread to be a wild fire embroiling the NFL, the NBA, and the friendship of two comedians.  Below, the closing arguments from both James and Darryl on who is the biggest asshole: Football players of Basketball players.

 James: Darryl, you ignorant slut.

I am surprised that you actually spent the time to write your rebuttal in complete sentences. I expected you to just take one key word or phrase and repeat it over and over again.

“Roethlisberger raped a girl in a bathroom. In a bathroom. A BATHROOM. A BATHROOM!!!!!”

You want to talk about hack? Why don’t you give the audience another twelve minutes of your new material on how women like talking and dudes like sex?

And can you wrap up the joke already? If the audience wanted to see a nine minute bit that ended without a punchline they would have just gone to one of your improv shows. This is stand up. Have some respect.

I’m going to be honest with you, Darryl. There are days where I wonder why I ever thought you were funny. Doing Cheap Laughs at the Raven Lounge, doing CheaPodcast and the Famous International Variety Show, were all just a giant waste of my time. And remember, I’m unemployed right now so my time is very difficult to waste. It’s practically worthless.

Darryl, I don’t know how to say this, but I think that we should stop working together. And I don’t mean that I should stop doing any of the things I’m doing, I mean that you should go ahead and quit comedy all together and go back to your day job. Then you it won’t matter that you’re just like the vodka you drink.

Whipped.

Darryl:  There really isn’t much to be summarized. Football players are larger and assholier than basketball players. I tried my best to state my side of the argument while making it fun, which is hard to do when you have dead weight like James Hesky pulling you down constantly.

We’re talking about a guy who ran a blog, two open mic locations and a Saturday night showcase into the ground, all with the same tired jokes about him being fat. It damn near took a congressional hearing to get him to leave poop jokes alone, and all he did was put it later in his set. People are making that face because you suck, not for your eloquent description of a wet shit in a space station.

Poop, being fat, masturbation and religion. The tried and true repertoire of a guy who will never make it out of Philadelphia. Maybe I’m being too harsh. You’ll leave Philly, but only to go back to Pittsburgh after you stop lazing it up on my tax money and crawl back to your mamas basement. There you’ll relive the joke you had that came the closest to making me laugh. That is until your mother cuts off your internet access, then you’ll be sad without having to wack it first.

Having you as my sidekick was my version of watching over an autistic kid; except I did your former job better than you ever did and I’m gonna quit this crap before I get fired. Grow up, get funny and leave me alone. If you can just do one of those I’d be proud of you, and there’s a first time for everything.

 

A Great Debate featuring Darryl Charles and James Hesky (Round Two)

The gloves are off as the Great Debate between Darryl Charles and James Hesky continues.  After having a chance to read each others opening arguments, we’ve given them a chance to respond and rebut to the question: who are bigger assholes, Football players or Basketball players. If you missed it, you can check out round one here.

James: Darryl, your opening statement was so bad that I’m wondering if you were just trying to show that it was possible to be worse at being a person than a basketball player or a football player.

If I understand your argument, basically you’re saying that football is a violent sport so football players are violent people. What better way for violent people to get out their frustrations than by running at full speed into each other? On top of that the sport requires you to be in phenomenal condition and spend hours in the weight room, which is another great release of all that pent up anger. Football is probably the best therapy for being a terrible person I could think of.

Even when football players make mistakes, they have amazing comeback stories. Michael Vick has made people forget that he ran an organization that drowned dogs because they didn’t fight well enough. He has grown as a person over the last few years, not just by becoming a better football player, but by lobbying congress for harsher penalties for people associated with dogfighting rings.

The NFL works regularly with the United Way and is working hand-in-hand with Michele Obama on here “Play 60” initiative to get reduce childhood obesity. The NBA might be more than a year away from even having any games, causing half of their lazy players to be enrolled in the “Play 60” program to prevent them from looking like retired offensive linemen.

Darryl, you’ve made a nice attempt to make football players seem like they’re worse than basketball players, but you simply chose the wrong side in this battle. Also you are an inferior comedian and debater and honestly you never stood a chance.

Darryl:  Mr. Hesky, king of the hack metaphors, would have you believe that because Michael Jordan gambled and got divorced and Charles Barkley likes a road soda that all basketball players are assholes. But plenty of people gamble and cheat, and few men wouldn’t break a speed law or two for a bj. You know what plenty of people don’t do? Sign contracts prohibiting them from riding motorcycles without a helmet and do it anyway. Or get accused of rape twice. No, that was Ben Roethlisberger. Plenty of people also don’t get accused of murder and then threaten that crime rates will increase when he’s mad his 44.5 million dollar contract isn’t truly representative of his worth. Nope, that was Ray Lewis.

But I’m not saying all football players are assholes, just that they’re bigger assholes than basketball players. Playing your way through an 82 game season and shaping up along the way, like Shaq, is really nothing compared to taking a bunch of herbal supplements (aka steroids that can’t be tested for yet) so you can “Keep up with the n[common racist football talk removed]ers” like Bill Romanowski.

Plus, Isaiah Thomas is a terrible person and a terrible GM. The fact that the media decided to showcase his ineptitude at managing basketball over his terrible lusting doesn’t make him an asshole. Bill Bellicheck’s blatant cheating and the keeping of his job while the media worries about who Tom Brady happens to be having dinner with makes the NFL full of assholes from the bottom up.

That doesn’t even go into Lawrence Taylor who used his fame and fortune to end up a crack fiend and get caught years after his prime with a 16-year-old prostitute. Where’s the hacky joke to excuse that bit of assholishness?

 

A Great Debate featuring Darryl Charles and James Hesky (Round One)

James Hesky and Darryl Charles are two Philadelphia comedians and the founders of the deep, dark, dank cellar of the Podcast World – Cheapodcast.  Darryl and James have tackled one of the biggest hot button questions of the 20th century… who are bigger assholes, Football players or Basketball players.  Over the next three rounds, we’ll let them make opening statements, rebuttals, and concluding arguments. By the end, we should all be a little more enlightened:

Let the debate begin!

 James Hesky: Basketball players are worse than Football players.

Being a bad person is to basketball as taking steroids is to baseball. Even the hero of the NBA, Michael Jordan, was a degenerate gambler and a philanderer who quit on his team and his sport to see if he could try another sport for another year. Hall of Famer Charles Barkley famously said “I am not a role model” and then backed it up by getting a DUI and used the excuse that he was rushing to go get a BJ. And these are the guys who are the face of the league.

Hey, remember that time all those football players got in a brawl with fans? Me neither. But it happened in the NBA because Ron Artest got a cup thrown at him.

You know what I hate? How Peyton Manning always shows up for the season 30 pounds overweight and just decides he’ll play his way into shape during the season and be ready for the playoffs. Oh wait, that’s what Shaquille O’Neal did for the entire second half of his career.

Even after they retire, NBA players can’t stop being horrible human beings. As the GM of the Knicks, Isiah Thomas used his position of power to sexually harass one of his employees. The worst part is that people in the NBA don’t even think that the fact that he’s a sexual predator is the worst thing about him, he is still most infamous for simply being a terrible GM.

Darryl Charles: Football players are worse than basketball players:

Imagine you could build the perfect asshole (person, not body part). The person would have to be arrogant, rude, obnoxious and self-centered. This person would have to be fantastic at exploiting weakness for the joy of others, awesome at hurting those weaker than him. The person should have an imposing physique, making sure intimidation happened on sight. They should be rich and famous, allowing for mindless adoration and a group of hangers on that would only feed the ego of this asshole. In short, this person should be a football player.

Football is a tough sport. It is a sport where large men dress in pads and run into each other to establish dominance on the placement and movement of a small ball. It is a game in which pain is a weapon and avoiding it will most likely lead to a loss. Physically tormenting your opponent is only surpassed by psychologically tormenting your opponent to the point their concentration is shaken and their game is rendered inept. This is going to breed an asshole.

The list of current and former players is as deep as Tiki Barber’s bank accounts, before he got divorced from his wife after leaving her while pregnant for an 20 something intern at a broadcasting job he wasn’t good at and used to ridicule the team that let him rise to enough popularity to get said job: Ray Lewis (alleged murderer!), Lawrence Taylor, Dan Marino, Bill Romanowski, Ben Rothlisberger, Terrell Owens, Chad OchoCinco, Plaxico Burress, Joe Namath and even Bill Bellicheck. A list of the exploits of the aforementioned people is a thorough how-to on assholetry.

Murder, harassment, steroid abuse, finger biting, attempted rape, cheating (both in the game and in life), cockiness, erratic behavior, bullying and general assholy behavior are hallmarks of the NFL and it players and coaches.