Humor « WitOut

June 20, 2013 7:00 pmDaniel Tosh
June 20, 2013 8:00 pmLaff Therapy Thursdays
June 20, 2013 8:00 pmComedian Deconstruction
June 20, 2013 8:00 pmBert Kreischer
June 20, 2013 8:30 pmJohn Hughes High: June of '87
June 20, 2013 8:30 pmFigment Theater's The Vagabond Sessions
June 20, 2013 9:00 pmGet Real 4 @ Underground Arts
June 20, 2013 9:30 pmDaniel Tosh
June 21, 2013 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
June 21, 2013 7:00 pmOld School's Comedy Showcase
June 21, 2013 7:30 pmBert Kreischer
June 21, 2013 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
June 21, 2013 9:00 pmSomething Witty at The Dive
June 21, 2013 10:00 pmBert Kreischer
June 22, 2013 4:00 pmDoug Benson (Stand-Up Show)
June 22, 2013 7:30 pmBert Kreischer
June 22, 2013 7:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club
June 22, 2013 7:30 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
June 22, 2013 7:30 pm"Outside the Box" Live DVD Filming featuring Chris Smith
June 22, 2013 9:00 pmNortheast Comedy Cabaret
June 22, 2013 9:30 pmSarcasm Comedy Club
June 22, 2013 9:30 pmThe Comedy Works
June 22, 2013 10:00 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
June 26, 2013 8:00 pmConklin's Comedy Night
June 26, 2013 8:00 pmFree For All

AEC v1.0.4

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 36

By Aaron Hertzog, on June 14th, 2013

I once dated a girl because her http://t.co/DaISSUroDV profile stated she had lots of "pizzaz". I misread it as "pizzas".

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) June 14, 2013

It's awkward when my therapist asks if I've thought about suicide or made a plan… I guess so? I had a bunch of "Save the Date"s printed.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) June 14, 2013

Alright let's get to it, you big fucking asshole. *finishes brushing teeth, continues to avoid own gaze in bathroom mirror*

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) June 13, 2013

That's what I love about corpses. I get older, they stay the SAME AGE.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) June 12, 2013

And as always, a happy early Father's Day to Papa Roach.

— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) June 12, 2013

I have an agreement with the cockroaches in my house: I let them go wherever they want, and that's it. That's the agreement.

— Paul Triggiani (@PaulTrigg) June 10, 2013

If someone had told me in high school how cool nerds were gonna be when I got older I wouldnt have wasted all that time getting really cool

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) June 8, 2013

I think I trend more toward "politically inaccurate" than "politically incorrect."

— Alison Lynn (@Alison_lynnZ) June 8, 2013

MY COCK IS ON CAPS LOCK! - a rapper or something

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) June 8, 2013

"You can cut it in half and it will still be alive!" – my neighbor's kid, the (hopefully) worm murderer

— Carolyn Busa (@misstoiletslave) June 8, 2013

"I like the way you work it. No diggity. I gotta bag it up." –grocery store bagger to customer, moments before he's fired

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) June 7, 2013

Went to a Super Walmart because the regular ones are so pedestrian.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) June 14, 2013

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 35

By Aaron Hertzog, on June 7th, 2013

I miss that “last day of school” feeling. I miss feeling.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) June 4, 2013

My girl friend pampers me, not pamper intreating me nice, I’m into that adult baby fetish jawn #fb

— John Kensil (@johnkensil) June 1, 2013

My dog has been really good about staying hydrated during this heat wave. It’s nice to know he reads the emails I send him.

— Carolyn Busa (@misstoiletslave) June 2, 2013

Most beautiful part of a sunset is knowing somewhere in the world a guy is watching the same sun rise and going “Shit! I’m late for work!”

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) June 3, 2013

I never feel older and fatter than when someone says “You’re old. And fat.”

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) June 3, 2013

Is this hero sandwich satiating my hunger out of altruism, or a darker, more selfish motive? #antihero

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) June 3, 2013

As a kid I was a decent looking older woman.

— Kevin Ryan (@KevinRyan00) June 4, 2013

I wish I was cool enough to not care if I accidentally killed a person.

— Aaron Nevins (@AaronNevins) June 4, 2013

Jobs online say they are looking for “Red Bull Attitude”. If I had to describe my attitude using a beverage I’d go with “Jonestown Kool-Aid”

— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) June 5, 2013

Over time my comedy goalshave gone from “HBO special” to “make it through a ten minute set without sweating terribly”.

— Pat Barker (@patbarkercomedy) June 6, 2013

Fat 12-yr-old wearing a walking cast & a Beastie Boys t-shirt is playing basketball at the playground.I just found a new member for my gang.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) June 6, 2013

Remember guys, when someone dies, it’s a perfect opportunity to exaggerate your relationship with that person and make it all about you.

— Tommy Pope (@TommyJPope) June 6, 2013

Look I know it seems like I complain a lot on here but the reality is that everything is dumb and I hate it.

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) June 6, 2013

The Up-and-Comer: Comic Con

By Aaron Hertzog, on June 6th, 2013

In the newest edition of Helium Comedy Club’s The Up-and-Comer, titular host Aaron Nevins takes a trip to Philadelphia’s Comic Con. Enjoy!

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 34

By Aaron Hertzog, on May 31st, 2013

Really hoping Will Smith says “Welcome to Battlefield Earth!” to an alien in After Earth.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 31, 2013

Just stopped myself from saying something mean on the internet by going outside, taking a deep breath, and punching my neighbor in the face.

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) May 31, 2013

I had ice cream for dinner. Hey! At least it was on a sandwich. Am I right I say to no one in the room.

— Carolyn Busa (@misstoiletslave) May 29, 2013

Having difficulty slipping the phrase “were we ever so young?” into casual conversation with this cab driver.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) May 31, 2013

I’ll be honest- I’ve been in a fist fight with most of you in my mind.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) May 27, 2013

I’m at the age where I can understand having a favorite mug.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) May 29, 2013

Even a baby monkey riding a puppy isn’t cuter than a 5 yr old with corrective eye glasses.

— Tommy Pope (@TommyJPope) May 26, 2013

I wish Abbott and Costello were still around today so they could make “Abbott & Costello Meet the Human Centipede” #fb

— John Kensil (@johnkensil) May 31, 2013

Selling my CDs after this show. Mostly old Beatles and Stones that I’m sick of listening to.

— Amir Gollan (@Agollan) May 31, 2013

I’m buy-curious. I buy Curious George books and then…ya know…

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) May 29, 2013

Iron Potato is a new sketch comedy collective in Philadelphia featuring videos by John McKeever, Chip Chantry, James Hesky, Mary Radzinski, Tim Butterly, Aaron Nevins and Dave Metter. Here’s their first project, “Samesies.”

If you are a Philadelphia comedy performer that produces a podcast, web series, sketch video, humor column, or any other online content let us know by emailing us at contact@witout.net so we can share it!

“Handsome Jones” by KittyKatBooty

By Alison Zeidman, on May 27th, 2013

Local sketch group KittyKatBooty has a new video:

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 33

By Aaron Hertzog, on May 17th, 2013

I mean, if you can’t trust some douchebag crust punk drifter with an ax, who CAN you trust?

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) May 16, 2013

I’ve created my own prison. You’re right again, Creed lyric of the day calendar.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 17, 2013

I keep thinking I need a free spirit to bring out my adventurous side…but then I remember I hate free spirits, and adventure, and people.

— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) May 16, 2013

“You know, for someone who complains about people who complain all the time, you sure do complain a lot.” – Me, to me.

— Mike Logan (@LoganDoesComedy) May 13, 2013

I swear, I can’t sleep without the television on (at full volume playing season 2 episode 14 of Grace Under Fire at 1/16th its normal speed)

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) May 14, 2013

“Not bragging or anything, but how many little league world champions have you screwed?” – Woman pouring shots at Toms River, NJ Strip Club

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) May 17, 2013

You know what goes great with coffee?A coworker starting an unsolicited conversation about having her uterus removed.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) May 17, 2013

“We’ve got gang bangs.” –gang leader, enforcing the group’s mandatory haircut

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) May 16, 2013

Maybe if The Baha Men focused on solving the problem instead of stating it repeatedly, they’d get an answer.

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) May 15, 2013

Y’know that feeling when you cut yourself accidentally and then you’re like, “that was nice. I should do this more often.”

— Alex Grubard (@Alexgrubard) May 13, 2013

I can’t believe diapers are fireproof. See for yourself!

— Paul Triggiani (@PaulTrigg) May 11, 2013

I did laundry even though I had 4 days of clothes left. If this was a feel-good movie about me becoming and adult, credits would’ve rolled

— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) May 8, 2013

The machine I use most at my gym is the one that vends protein bars.

— Aaron Nevins (@AaronNevins) May 10, 2013

How do I calculate my street credit score?

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) May 7, 2013

The Balking Dead. How will the undead respond to this seldom called baseball infraction?

— dennis trapney (@classic_dennis) May 8, 2013

I meant to say, “Freudian slip,” but instead I said, “I’ve got a lot of shameful sex secrets.”

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) May 6, 2013

In first grade, I took guitar lessons from a nun. I was too young to laugh at a nun constantly talking about fingering.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 9, 2013

I can’t find a calorie count on “feelings” in MyFitnessPal.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) May 9, 2013

My mom: “I was in labor with you for 36 hours. I’d say you were comfortable.”Me: “I’m living with you at 28; I’m STILL comfortable.”

— Pat House (@BohemianPatsody) May 8, 2013

I like typing messages to people who look at my phone over my shoulder. Yes, you, shit shirt.

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) May 9, 2013

Crying on the inside today waters the joke flowers of tomorrow

— Darryl Charles (@darryldarryl_) May 6, 2013

Upcoming Shows

Links

Archives

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 36

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 35

The Up-and-Comer: Comic Con

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 34

“Samesies” by Iron Potato

“Handsome Jones” by KittyKatBooty

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 33

The Up-and-Comer: Mo Mandel

Camp Woods – The Zone

Tweets of the Week, Vol. 32

Search WitOut

WitOut Network

WitOut on Facebook

WitOut on twitter