I miss that “last day of school” feeling. I miss feeling.
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) June 4, 2013
My girl friend pampers me, not pamper intreating me nice, I’m into that adult baby fetish jawn #fb
— John Kensil (@johnkensil) June 1, 2013
My dog has been really good about staying hydrated during this heat wave. It’s nice to know he reads the emails I send him.
— Carolyn Busa (@misstoiletslave) June 2, 2013
Most beautiful part of a sunset is knowing somewhere in the world a guy is watching the same sun rise and going “Shit! I’m late for work!”
— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) June 3, 2013
I never feel older and fatter than when someone says “You’re old. And fat.”
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) June 3, 2013
Is this hero sandwich satiating my hunger out of altruism, or a darker, more selfish motive? #antihero
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) June 3, 2013
As a kid I was a decent looking older woman.
— Kevin Ryan (@KevinRyan00) June 4, 2013
I wish I was cool enough to not care if I accidentally killed a person.
— Aaron Nevins (@AaronNevins) June 4, 2013
Jobs online say they are looking for “Red Bull Attitude”. If I had to describe my attitude using a beverage I’d go with “Jonestown Kool-Aid”
— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) June 5, 2013
Over time my comedy goalshave gone from “HBO special” to “make it through a ten minute set without sweating terribly”.
— Pat Barker (@patbarkercomedy) June 6, 2013
Fat 12-yr-old wearing a walking cast & a Beastie Boys t-shirt is playing basketball at the playground.I just found a new member for my gang.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) June 6, 2013
Remember guys, when someone dies, it’s a perfect opportunity to exaggerate your relationship with that person and make it all about you.
— Tommy Pope (@TommyJPope) June 6, 2013
Look I know it seems like I complain a lot on here but the reality is that everything is dumb and I hate it.
— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) June 6, 2013