I mean, if you can’t trust some douchebag crust punk drifter with an ax, who CAN you trust?
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) May 16, 2013
I’ve created my own prison. You’re right again, Creed lyric of the day calendar.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 17, 2013
I keep thinking I need a free spirit to bring out my adventurous side…but then I remember I hate free spirits, and adventure, and people.
— Jim Ginty (@Jim_Ginty) May 16, 2013
“You know, for someone who complains about people who complain all the time, you sure do complain a lot.” – Me, to me.
— Mike Logan (@LoganDoesComedy) May 13, 2013
I swear, I can’t sleep without the television on (at full volume playing season 2 episode 14 of Grace Under Fire at 1/16th its normal speed)
— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) May 14, 2013
“Not bragging or anything, but how many little league world champions have you screwed?” – Woman pouring shots at Toms River, NJ Strip Club
— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) May 17, 2013
You know what goes great with coffee?A coworker starting an unsolicited conversation about having her uterus removed.
— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) May 17, 2013
“We’ve got gang bangs.” –gang leader, enforcing the group’s mandatory haircut
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) May 16, 2013
Maybe if The Baha Men focused on solving the problem instead of stating it repeatedly, they’d get an answer.
— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) May 15, 2013
Y’know that feeling when you cut yourself accidentally and then you’re like, “that was nice. I should do this more often.”
— Alex Grubard (@Alexgrubard) May 13, 2013
I can’t believe diapers are fireproof. See for yourself!
— Paul Triggiani (@PaulTrigg) May 11, 2013