I did laundry even though I had 4 days of clothes left. If this was a feel-good movie about me becoming and adult, credits would’ve rolled
— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) May 8, 2013
The machine I use most at my gym is the one that vends protein bars.
— Aaron Nevins (@AaronNevins) May 10, 2013
How do I calculate my street credit score?
— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) May 7, 2013
The Balking Dead. How will the undead respond to this seldom called baseball infraction?
— dennis trapney (@classic_dennis) May 8, 2013
I meant to say, “Freudian slip,” but instead I said, “I’ve got a lot of shameful sex secrets.”
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) May 6, 2013
In first grade, I took guitar lessons from a nun. I was too young to laugh at a nun constantly talking about fingering.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 9, 2013
I can’t find a calorie count on “feelings” in MyFitnessPal.
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) May 9, 2013
My mom: “I was in labor with you for 36 hours. I’d say you were comfortable.”Me: “I’m living with you at 28; I’m STILL comfortable.”
— Pat House (@BohemianPatsody) May 8, 2013
I like typing messages to people who look at my phone over my shoulder. Yes, you, shit shirt.
— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) May 9, 2013
Crying on the inside today waters the joke flowers of tomorrow
— Darryl Charles (@darryldarryl_) May 6, 2013