I’m not bragging or anything, but the status of my laundry no longer depends on the amount of quarters in my Hard Rock Cafe 1994 cup.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 21, 2013

“It’s my damn ark. I’m Noah! And I say we’re gonna see if unicorns can swim!” – How unicorns went extinct

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 19, 2013

Scrunchies were originally invented to eliminate hair pulling while fistfighting your step-mom.

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) April 25, 2013

Me and my ex girlfriend have so much in common.We both love terrible sci fi and we’ve each given me hand jobs.

— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) April 22, 2013

Maybe those family member car decal stickers aren’t that at all, but actually a visual tally of how many people your minivan has killed.

— Alison Zeidman (@AlisonZeidman) April 22, 2013

Guns are a real Catch 22. How do I steal a gun if I don’t already have a gun?!

— Billy Bob Thompson (@BillyBobThomps) April 25, 2013

I don’t get people who freak out at work.My dad taught me to put up a good front, and be an emotional wreck in the privacy of my home.

— Steve Swan (@stevenhswan) April 23, 2013

There should be a company I can call and they feel excited for me when I do exercise or eat oatmeal or whatever grown-up stuff I do…

— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) April 23, 2013

“She’s about to molt.” –average bird watcher, engaging in totally normal, not deviant hobby of spying on little birds

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) April 25, 2013

The name “Mr. Softee” is misleading; every time I hear that truck’s music I get an erection.

— David Terruso (@DavidTerruso) April 25, 2013

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