My self-esteem waivers daily between pageant winner and an animal wearing a cone.
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) April 17, 2013
The Bible really jumps the shark when Jesus invents a contraption that turns him into ultra-suave ladies man Jeezy Chrizzist
— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) April 16, 2013
People are bashing Congress today. But I still believe in the the sanctity of our government, and its three branches: Oil, Guns, and Banks.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 18, 2013
Thankfully, I don’t like my women like I like my music: heavy fuzz, distorted bottom, and guttural.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) April 18, 2013
Looking to invest. Anyone sitting on an invention that hurts others and tells people you’re dumb but makes you feel like your wang is huge?
— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) April 18, 2013
I’m in favor of thorough background checks. Without them, I would have never seen that kid ghost in 3 Men and a Baby.
— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) April 18, 2013
Apparently the IRS doesnt like my tax filing status of “single, looking to mingle”
— Kevin Ryan (@KevinRyan00) April 15, 2013
So frustrated. Can’t find any entry level space jobs. How can I get space experience if all the space jobs require 4 years space experience?
— Trevor Cunnion (@TrevorCunnion) April 18, 2013
Follow Witout on Twitter for updates from our site, as well as retweets of more of the best 140-character-or-less jokes from Philly comics.