The ideal sales résumé is a glossy photo of Alec Baldwin with “A.B.C.” written on it in blood. Also, your name and phone number somewhere.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) March 13, 2013

“And this is a flamingo named “Pelican” after that scene in Scarface where Tony calls a flamingo a pelican.” – My future MTV Cribs

— Aaron Hertzog (@aaronhertzog) March 15, 2013

I always get nostalgic whenever there is a hurricane on the news because my first kiss was with a girl named Gail Forcewinds.

— Christian Alsis (@christianalsis) March 11, 2013

My second-favorite sport is penultimate frisbee.

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 15, 2013

I’d hate to work at a Goodwill the day hipster goes out of style.

— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) March 11, 2013

“Hey kids! Everything is stupid and will end in disappointment!” -Me, if I were in charge of kids

— Luke Field (@LukeRobot) March 9, 2013

O Block Captain! My Block Captain! our fearful trip is done.The block has weather’d every dirtball, the prize we sought is fuckin’…

— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) March 13, 2013

Resume tip: it is more important than ever to specify whether or not you “will do butt stuff”

— Alexis Simpson (@amutepiggy) March 9, 2013

My book has officially become the highest selling book in my household, narrowly surpassing Jaime’s 2010 memoir, “Living with a Fat Fuck …

— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) March 13, 2013

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Is it because you cover yourself in peanut butter and then roll around in seeds?

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) March 11, 2013

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