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“Steak Knives, Jenga, & Holiday Party Etiquette” by Brandon Ryan

If you are a Philadelphia comedy performer that produces a podcast, web series, sketch video, humor column, or any other online content let us know by emailing us at contact@witout.net so we can share it!

Here’s a humor piece from local writer and WitOut reporter Brandon Ryan.

Have you ever attended a house party and been subsequently unable to locate its host?

Here’s a simple fix:

First, locate the kitchen.
Find the refrigerator (some people call this the “ice box” [because they are old, and lived in a time where it was common practice for the average American to maintain a box-shaped igloo in the kitchen]).
Begin to take food out of said refrigerator and stack it, Jenga-like, on the floor.
Be sure to place delicate items at the base of the stack.

As people tend to get very defensive about the way in which their food is stacked, the host should arrive presently.

Still no host?
Move to the kitchen’s electrical appliances.
Ever wonder what it would smell like to cook mayonnaise in a toaster?
Or better yet, to cook mayonnaise in a toaster while the toaster bakes in the oven?
Now is the time to find out.

As people tend to get very defensive about attempting to use their appliances to cook still other appliances, the host should certainly arrive presently.

STILL NO HOST?
Locate the blender.
Dig eggs and raw chicken from the Jenga-like stack of food you’ve assembled on the floor.
Add the eggs and chicken to the blender.
Now add steak knives.
Do not attach the blender’s lid.
Don protective eye wear (safety first!) and depress the MAX BLEND button.
Run.

As people tend to get very angry when you blend their steak knives (especially when they become aware that you have also attempted to cook their appliances using still other appliances), the host should without a doubt arrive presently.

STILL NO HOST?!
Then there likely never was one.

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