You’re funny. Sometimes you’re so funny that nobody laughs. They are stunned into silence, like a slaughterhouse cow whacked with a hilarious sledgehammer.
Sometimes you’re so funny it makes the crowd furious at how sad the rest of their lives have been in comparison, like someone who almost dies on the operating table, sees heaven for a couple seconds, but then is rudely thrust back to earth. Occasionally the crowd rips your sleeves off in anger and then you can’t chill at a fancy cocktail bar after the show—even when you patiently explain the situation to them. This is the price of being hilarious, and you pay it daily [twice a day Friday and Saturday].
Remember that one joke? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that the FBI asked me to develop a joke for them, and then I remember that it’s hard to believe because it never happened [officially].
Sometimes you’re so funny that a woman in the crowd will go into labor, even if she’s not pregnant. Luckily you’re funny enough that usually her screams of pain don’t detract from the show too much. Remember that one time a baby came out of a guy’s ding dong? Ha ha ha ha. [Ha!]
Anyhow you, I just wanted to tell me [you] to keep up the good work. You [me know who!] are so funny it takes my [moi] breath away and sometimes that makes me [myself] pass out and sometimes I [me] wake up and my [your] wallet is gone and I’m [you'm] on the sidewalk but hey, it’s worth it. Also it’s my [your] only option since I [you] have no other skills [skillz].
Doogie Horner is a comedian, author, and graphic designer. He is a suppurating wound of comedy.
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