Upcoming Shows

  • December 18, 2014 8:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • December 18, 2014 9:00 pmThe Comedy Attic
  • December 19, 2014 8:00 amNationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
  • December 19, 2014 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
  • December 19, 2014 8:00 pmCrazy Cow Comedy
  • December 19, 2014 8:00 pmHang On w/ Aaron Nevins
  • December 19, 2014 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
  • December 19, 2014 8:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • December 19, 2014 9:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • December 20, 2014Nationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
  • December 20, 2014Nationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Heliun
  • December 20, 2014 7:30 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
  • December 20, 2014 8:00 pmCrazy Cow Comedy
  • December 20, 2014 9:30 pmThe Comedy Works
  • December 20, 2014 10:00 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
  • December 20, 2014 10:30 pmImprov Comedy: PHIT House Teams
  • December 23, 2014 9:00 pmSecret Pants Presents: Cuban Tinsel Crisis
  • December 24, 2014 8:00 pmComedy Masters
  • December 25, 2014 8:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • December 26, 2014 8:00 amNationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
  • December 26, 2014 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
  • December 26, 2014 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
  • December 26, 2014 8:00 pmCrazy Cow Comedy
  • December 26, 2014 8:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • December 26, 2014 9:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
AEC v1.0.4

Where Jokes Go to Die – Chris Dolan Edition

Everyone bombs at some point. WitOut’s “Where Jokes go to Die” is where you can put your worst bits down for good.

by Chris Dolan

I had a bit that died multiple zero-to-pity-laugh deaths before many showcase and competition audiences. (Spoiler: I did not win any of those competitions!) The bit involved wanting to toilet train my cat.  It opens by telling everyone that my cat is like my drinking buddy, and that I wanted to toilet train him—first for the obvious uses, second so he could puke in the toilet after we got drunk together.  That wasn’t terrible enough for me or my audience, though, so I continued by stating that I started the toilet training process slowly, by placing toilet paper next to his  litter box, “because anything beats your way of cleaning up down there.”

I have many theories about why this bit sucked. The obvious one is that maybe people aren’t interested in jokes about cats. I love cats, so I told the joke with enthusiasm.  And I think people are turned off by someone showing genuine affection for things (or animals) they dislike. Like saying, “Y’know what I love? Cats! And hate crime!”  Then there’s also the fact that I was presenting the audience with the ideas of a cat puking into a toilet, and licking its own ass clean.  I find those images hilarious. My audience did not.

I miss trying to make those cat jokes work.

Chris Dolan is a middle-aged amateur comic & writer with a marketing day job at a website; he has performed locally since 2009.  He’s been taking detailed notes on the jokes he’s bombed onstage with for some time, and now has a depressing and terribly unfunny 250-page autobiography. He lives in Montgomery County with his two cats, Pete and Beezus, who are still not toilet trained.