Mark Leopold is a Philadelphia improviser, sketch comedian, employee, an uncomfortable-complimenter-when-the-other-person-has-complimented-him-first-because-it-feels-like-the-only-reason-he’s-complimenting-them-is-to-make-them-even-no-matter-how-sincere-his-compliment-may-or-may-not-be, and a friend. He is a member of the PHIT house team Hey Rube as well as a new addition to the cast of Comedysportz and he does sketch comedy with his group The Hold-up. When he isn’t doing one of these things he is busy doing other things, like working and laundry, and so while he sincerely wishes he was able to be a real interviewer, the best he is able to do is interview people in his head while he drives different places. Today, while on his way to work, Mark took some time to sit down in an interrogation room in his head with Philadelphia improviser and Comedysportz teammate/teacher Jason Stockdale.
MARK LEOPOLD: Hey Jason, it’s me Mark!
JASON STOCKDALE: Hey man!
ML: Good times! Stockdale!
JS: Alright!
ML: Okay, shut up, let’s do this. Greatest fear?
JS: Dogs.
JS: Left shoulder.
ML: Best way to get into your apartment without a key?
JS: You go through the large window in my bedroom. It doesn’t latch and there’s no way to lock it.
ML: Good.
JS: Full disclosure, there is a pit full of spikes directly inside and below the window.
ML: Home Alone style.
JS: That would have been a very different movie if Kevin had ended up killing the burglars with his first couples of traps.
ML: I’d like to see that movie. It probably just becomes a courtroom drama.
JS: And the creepy neighbor testifies against him.
ML: That neighbor…man. It sucks that he got a bad rap just for carrying a snow shovel around…in winter…after it had recently snowed.
JS: But he also had a beard, and he squinted quite a bit.
ML: Now who’s testifying against who? Who? Whom?
JS: Whom.
ML: Whom?
JS: Yep.
ML: I thought whom had something to do with having a direct object.
JS: Yep, but we should move on. I’m sure your readers aren’t that interested in the finer points of grammar.
ML: Ouch. I’ll have you know that I cater to a very high-end readership.
JS: Even so, this is pretty dry stuff. They can just buy a grammar book.
ML: Favorite grammar book?
JS: Strunk and White, okay moving on!
ML: Favorite chapter of Strunk and White?
JS: Chapter 13: Colons and Semicolons. Okay! So…Mark, what do you like most about Philadelphia?
ML: It’s proximity to my house.
JS: You’re being a real asshole.
ML: It was a joke Jason. This whole thing is a joke.
JS: Don’t do that. Don’t write it to make me seem like the jerk here.
ML: Jason, just calm down. Be reasonable.
JS: (standing up and overturning the table) I’ll be as unreasonable as I want damn it!
ML: (hands out, placating) Jason…easy.
JS: (…and here comes Jason’s famous switchblade) Shut up!
ML: Jason come on…put down the knife.
JS: (grabbing Brooks and putting the knife to his throat) No!
ML: Jason. Jason. Look at his neck Jason. Look at his neck. He’s bleeding Jason.
JS: (breaking down into tears and dropping the knife) I’m…I’m sorry…I just…
ML: I understand.
JS: I can’t go back.
ML: I know.
JS: I’m sorry.
ML: (turning to Brooks) Brooks, get out of here. (…but Brooks is already gone) Brooks?
JS: (sniffing) Brooks?
ML: Brooks!?
Mark and Jason look at each other with unspoken realization. The camera slowly pans up to the wooden beam overhead where there is an inscription carved into the wood. The inscription reads, “Brooks was here…but got really bored when they started talking about grammar.”
