Mark Leopold is a Philadelphia improviser, sketch comedian, employee, someone-who-sleeps-laying-directly-on-his-back-with-his-arms-down-at-his-sides-and-with-his-legs-straight-and-slightly-set-apart-on-top-of-a-memory-form-mattress-which-makes-him-feel-as-though-he-is-an-action-figure-in-it’s-original-packaging, and a friend. He is a member of the PHIT house team Hey Rube as well as a new addition to the cast of Comedysportz and he does sketch comedy with his group The Hold-up. When he isn’t doing one of these things he is busy doing other things,like working and laundry, and so while he sincerely wishes he was able to be a real interviewer,the best he is able to do is interview people in his head while he drives different places. Today,while driving down route 1 on his way to the shore, Mark took some time to sit down on the beach in his head with Philadelphia improviser and Comedysportz teammate Alan Williams.
MARK LEOPOLD: Hey Alan, it’s me Mark!
ALAN WILLIAMS: Hey Mark.
Mark and Alan sit quietly together, watching the waves roll in. The sun directly overhead beats down upon them. Alan reapplies sunscreen. Mark checks over at Alan to see if it seems like he wants to talk. It doesn’t seem like he wants to. Mark reaches into his bag and in brings out the book he brought to the beach, mostly because the beach seems like one of those places you’re supposed to bring books. He opens up the first page and begins reading.
Mark looks over at Alan, unsure if he said something or not. He mentally weighs his options and determines that if Alan has said something it’s far ruder to seem like he’s ignoring it.
Now it seems like Alan hasn’t heard him. A wave was coming in just as Mark was saying it, so it’s entirely possible that Alan just didn’t hear him.
ML: Did you say something?
Alan, still looking at the waves, now notices that Mark is looking over at him and seems to be saying something. Alan takes his earbuds out.
AW: Did you say something?
ML: Yeah, I asked if you said something.
ML: A few seconds ago.
AW: …I don’t think so. Was I saying something?
ML: That’s what I’m asking.
AW: I was listening to a book on tape…
ML: Right…but did you say something?
AW: I don’t know.
ML: Never mind then.
Mark and Alan both turn back to the waves, rolling inexorably in to the beach. Mark returns to his book. Alan, checking to see if Mark seems like he wants to talk and ascertaining that he doesn’t, moves to put his earbuds back in.
ML: It is really hot.
AW: (abruptly stopping putting his earbuds back in) Hm? Oh…yeah.
ML: You want to go?
AW: What? Already?
ML: Yeah man, it’s terrible here.
AW: Terrible? We’re sitting on a beautiful beach, watching the waves come crashing in on a gorgeous day.
ML: It’s just way too hot.
AW: Go in the water and cool off then.
ML: What? Ew. No. Do you know how polluted that water is?
AW: It’s fine, don’t be a wimp.
ML: Ugh, all I can imagine is all the tiny microscopic things living in that water and finding their way into my body.
AW: I never knew you were such a germaphobe.
ML: It’s not just germs in there man. There are tiny fish and plankton. It’s just gross. The water is actually opaque with the density of non-water material in it.
AW: So you’re too hot, but instead of going and cooling off in the OCEAN of water directly in front of you, you think it makes more sense to drive two hours home?
ML: It would be different if the water was clear, like if we were at one of those beaches you see in rum commercials.
AW: You should have put us on one of those then.
ML: I’ve never been to one of them, I’ve only been to beaches in New Jersey and I’m serious man, it is boiling lava hot out here. Can we just go?
AW: You go, I’m going to stay.
ML: How are you going to get home?
AW: I’ll figure it out.
ML: Don’t be crazy, just ride with me.
AW: Mark, it’s fine, I’ll grab a cab or something.
ML: A cab from the shore? Do you have any idea how expensive that’s going to be?
AW: Not really.
ML: Me neither, but I’d imagine it’s probably super expensive.
AW: I’ll rent a car then.
ML: Just ride with me!
AW: We just got here. I wanted to come to the beach. You said you did too. Now we’re here and I want to actually spend a little time here before I go back.
ML: It’s too hot!
AW: What did you think it would be like on the beach?
ML: I don’t know okay? I didn’t think it out very clearly. It’s summertime and I know people talk about going to the beach and seem excited about the prospect so I thought it wouldn’t be this terrible.
AW: It’s not terrible! It’s just warm.
ML: Not warm, hot. And it’s also really sandy.
AW: So you’re complaints about the beach are that it’s hot and sandy? Congratulations, you just described what a beach is.
ML: Fine, we’ll compromise.
Mark and Alan stay at the beach, but now it’s not as hot, it’s maybe 77 degrees and the humidity is really low and there’s a nice breeze coming in. Not a strong breeze, because then that would kick sand up onto Mark and Alan and since they’re still sweating a little bit (I’m a really easy sweater okay?) if any sand got blown onto them it would stick to their skin and make it really gritty and that would be super uncomfortable. So a nice, soft, gentle breeze. And you know what, screw it, the water is clear and nice like the water in those Corona commercials. That sounds good too. Alan and Mark sit in two beach chairs facing out to the water as the waves come gently lapping onto the shore, they clink their Coronas together over a bucket full of ice and more Coronas.
ML: Now this is miles away from ordinary.
AW: Ugh, you’re the worst.