Upcoming Shows

  • October 31, 2014 8:00 amNationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
  • October 31, 2014 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
  • October 31, 2014 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
  • October 31, 2014 8:00 pmCrazy Cow Comedy
  • October 31, 2014 8:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • October 31, 2014 9:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • November 1, 2014Nationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Heliun
  • November 1, 2014Nationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
  • November 1, 2014 7:30 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
  • November 1, 2014 8:00 pmCrazy Cow Comedy
  • November 1, 2014 9:30 pmThe Comedy Works
  • November 1, 2014 10:00 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
  • November 1, 2014 10:30 pmImprov Comedy: PHIT House Teams
  • November 5, 2014 8:00 pmComedy Masters
  • November 6, 2014 8:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • November 6, 2014 9:00 pmThe Comedy Attic
  • November 7, 2014 8:00 amNationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
  • November 7, 2014 7:00 pmThe Comedy Works
  • November 7, 2014 8:00 pmThe N Crowd
  • November 7, 2014 8:00 pmCrazy Cow Comedy
  • November 7, 2014 8:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • November 7, 2014 9:30 pmFigment Theater: Sessions @ Studio C
  • November 8, 2014Nationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Helium
  • November 8, 2014Nationally Touring Headline Comedians @ Heliun
  • November 8, 2014 7:30 pmComedy Sportz Philadelphia
AEC v1.0.4

Significant Passages from Dick Cheney’s Memoir “In My Time” Removed by the Editor (by Greg Maughan)

Confession that he didn’t like Kid Rock’s country music, or Rock music in general, or kids: “I always found children were more useful as a way to avoid being drafted than as a source of happiness and meaning in one’s life.”

Details of meeting with Hollywood director Bryan Singer after he stepped down as Secretary of Defense that served inspiration for the character Keyzer Soze in The Usual Suspects: “When the movie was released I was furious – I had made an explicit deal with Singer to name the villain based of myself ‘Haddam al-Sussein’ and make him middle-eastern, not eastern European.”

Admission that he found daughter Mary “hotter” after she came out as a lesbian, but didn’t think she was a “MILF” after the birth of his grandson Samuel: “Perhaps I would have felt differently if the birth hadn’t left a C-section scar, or Mary’s partner Heather hadn’t let herself go so badly.”

Pushed for war to overthrow Saddam Hussein because watching Wolf Blitzer report live from Iraq was wife Lynne’s only turn-on: “Watching Lynne become flushed any time she heard The Situation Room theme music always made my heart race, or at least it did when I still had a pulse.”

Vivid description of hunting trip in Bend Bend Ranch State Park with Texas Governor Rick Perry during autumn 2005 at which Cheney won a contest to see who could kill more migrant workers: “I was both surprised and deeply offended to learn that the blood of Mexicans is red, just like American blood.”

Moment when he realized “enhanced interrogation” wasn’t as effective as claimed after personally failing to waterboard David Chase into revealing whether Tony died when the final episode of The Sopranos cut to black:“Chase did eventually begin trying to bargain, promising he would write a Sopranos movie that made Tony’s fate clear, but by that point I had lost interest in anything he said that didn’t immediately address my question.”

First-hand account of meeting where Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Alberto Gonzales agreed to replace Bush’s Presidential Daily Briefing with Marmaduke comics during height of the Iraqi insurgency:“Rummy was insistent that we include the ‘Dog Gone Funny’ sidebars from the Sunday strips as well, but Al wouldn’t have any of it. He claimed the President might recognize one of his own letters to Brad Anderson about Barney as the inspiration for the panels.”

Entire chapter dedicated to his time since leaving office filled with synopses of 24 episodes and a rank order list of former Vice President’s favorite crossbows available for purchase at the Jackson Hole, Wyoming Kmart: “I especially enjoy 24 because the creator Joel Surnow assassinated not one, but two African-American Democratic Presidents.”

Passage in which Cheney explains he feels more human since he had a pump installed in his heart that leaves him without a pulse: “While it’s true that being alive without a heartbeat is unusual, it’s also unusual to have a metal plate for a skull – and I don’t see anybody claiming Gabby Giffords is a machine.”