Mark Leopold is a Philadelphia improviser, sketch comedian, employee, someone-whose-affection-for-cheese-leads-him-to-buy-far-more-than-he actually-ends-up-using-and-in-the-end-probably-wastes-more-than-he-eats-and-just-really-wishes-he-had-that-part-of-his-life-worked-out-a-little-more clearly,and a friend. He is a member of the PHIT house team Hey Rube as well as a new addition to the cast of Comedysportz and he does sketch comedy with his group The Hold-up. When he isn’t doing one of these things he is busy doing other things, like working and laundry, and so while he sincerely wishes he was able to be a real interviewer, the best he is able to do is interview people in his head while he drives different places. Today, while on 95 south, Mark took some time to sit down on a Euclidian plane in his head with Philadelphia improviser and Hey Rube teammate Dennis Trafny.
Mark Leopold: Hey Dennis, it’s me Mark!
Dennis Trafny: Where the hell are we?
ML: It’s a Euclidian plane.
DT: Is this a metaphor?
ML: Nope, just a mathematical plane.
DT: I mean, does the existence of this place inside of you represent some subtle and ignored aspect of who you are?
ML: Uh…maybe. I just thought it would be a neat place to do an interview.
ML: Because it’s a place where math and physics exist perfectly. In the real world, the imperfections of matter prevent those things from being observably true.
DT: This is starting to sound a whole lot like a metaphor.
ML: It’s not a metaphor. Just drop it. I thought you would like it here.
DT: I don’t.
ML: Why not? It’s awesome…math and physics exist as a reali…
DT: Pirate ship.
DT: You should have chosen to interview me on a pirate ship.
DT: Pirate ships are in no way dumb.
ML: Okay fine.
The Euclidian plane, which was totally awesome, fades away and is replaced by a big dumbpirate ship. Mark and Dennis are now suddenly dressed as pirates, which makes no sense at all,but hey, whatever right?
DT: What the hell?
DT: These are the worst pirate outfits ever. They’re not even close to anything authentic.
ML: What did you expect? I have no exposure to pirate culture. My only reference for piracy is a news item from a few years ago and the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
DT: I think you misspelled Carrbiean.
ML: Nope, I had to check with Google, but it’s spelled Caribbean.
DT: You’re sure? Two Bs in a row?
ML: It’s a crazy mixed up world Dennis.
DT: Well either way you could make us look more badass…
ML: Swiss Family Robinson.
ML: There were pirates in that movie as well, but again, they were like cartoon pirates.
DT: Whatever, let’s just shoot cannons or something while we’re here.
ML: Forget this, we’re going back to the Euclidian plane.
DT: No, come on…
ML: Hey, I’m running this interview okay? I’ll do it where I want to do it. I initially thought you’d be psyched about the Euclidian plane…
DT: Why would I be excited about that?
ML: Because you’re a doctor! I thought you’d be impressed.
DT: I’m a veterinarian.
ML: …which is like a doctor.
DT: Not really.
ML: You went to animal medical school and stuff, so it’s like a doctor.
DT: It really isn’t. I mean, when pretty much the first thing you recommend is euthanasia, it’s not exactly…
ML: …this is starting to feel really disrespectful towards veterinarians.
DT: We’re cool with it.
ML: Well you better be. I don’t need Dr. Dolittle showing up at my door…
DT: Okay, now you’re crossing a line dude.
ML: Ugh, whatever. I need to pull over and get some gas anyway.
Dennis stands there on the Euclidian plane dressed like a stupid pirate…and it makes no sense.