ROUND 3 – What has started as a fireside discussion has quickly spread to be a wild fire embroiling the NFL, the NBA, and the friendship of two comedians. Below, the closing arguments from both James and Darryl on who is the biggest asshole: Football players of Basketball players.
I am surprised that you actually spent the time to write your rebuttal in complete sentences. I expected you to just take one key word or phrase and repeat it over and over again.
“Roethlisberger raped a girl in a bathroom. In a bathroom. A BATHROOM. A BATHROOM!!!!!”
You want to talk about hack? Why don’t you give the audience another twelve minutes of your new material on how women like talking and dudes like sex?
And can you wrap up the joke already? If the audience wanted to see a nine minute bit that ended without a punchline they would have just gone to one of your improv shows. This is stand up. Have some respect.
I’m going to be honest with you, Darryl. There are days where I wonder why I ever thought you were funny. Doing Cheap Laughs at the Raven Lounge, doing CheaPodcast and the Famous International Variety Show, were all just a giant waste of my time. And remember, I’m unemployed right now so my time is very difficult to waste. It’s practically worthless.
Darryl, I don’t know how to say this, but I think that we should stop working together. And I don’t mean that I should stop doing any of the things I’m doing, I mean that you should go ahead and quit comedy all together and go back to your day job. Then you it won’t matter that you’re just like the vodka you drink.
Darryl: There really isn’t much to be summarized. Football players are larger and assholier than basketball players. I tried my best to state my side of the argument while making it fun, which is hard to do when you have dead weight like James Hesky pulling you down constantly.
We’re talking about a guy who ran a blog, two open mic locations and a Saturday night showcase into the ground, all with the same tired jokes about him being fat. It damn near took a congressional hearing to get him to leave poop jokes alone, and all he did was put it later in his set. People are making that face because you suck, not for your eloquent description of a wet shit in a space station.
Poop, being fat, masturbation and religion. The tried and true repertoire of a guy who will never make it out of Philadelphia. Maybe I’m being too harsh. You’ll leave Philly, but only to go back to Pittsburgh after you stop lazing it up on my tax money and crawl back to your mamas basement. There you’ll relive the joke you had that came the closest to making me laugh. That is until your mother cuts off your internet access, then you’ll be sad without having to wack it first.
Having you as my sidekick was my version of watching over an autistic kid; except I did your former job better than you ever did and I’m gonna quit this crap before I get fired. Grow up, get funny and leave me alone. If you can just do one of those I’d be proud of you, and there’s a first time for everything.