Editor’s note — excerpts of this report were retracted before going to “print” for reasons we can’t explain, and even if we could we couldn’t possibly go into it now.
A few blocks away from Fergie’s last night, as my girlfriend I were walking to what we thought was a comedy show, we were stopped by what I believe to be a cloaked Druid. He said I wasn’t allowed to report on the minutes of the Ministry of Secret Jokes – the contents of the meeting couldn’t be revealed to the world. After a few quick rounds of “Riddles,” the Druid and I reached an agreement — instead of my notebook, pen and phone, he’d allow me to go with a quill, some parchment, and an hour glass.
Instead of Standard hours and minutes, time will be displayed in FHG’s or “Full Hour Glasses” as well as minutes broken into 57ths.
0 – Full Hour Glass – I get to Fergie’s early. I test out the hour glass and realize its bogus – 57 minutes worth of sand instead of the standard hour.
FHG – 5/57 – I receive a “Secret Booklet.” I open and read ahead, although I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to. I don’t finish reading all of it, feeling guilty for skipping ahead.
FHG – 8/57 – Beer 1 — Anchor Porter arrives.
FHG – 11/57 – An order of nachos is brought to our table. With it comes the first mystery of the evening — the guacamole that is supposed to be on the nachos has VANISHED!
FHG – 23/57 The room is packed. Standing room only. Some sit on the floor.
FHG – 42/57 – The nachos are as finished as they are going to get.
FHG – 47/57 – Gregg Gethard tells Emily and I story about him almost getting hit by a car at the West Orange Library. While he does that, someone [REDACTED].
FHG – 48/57 – Beer one finishes, and remains finished for a while.
FHG – 53/57 – Less than a thumbnail of sand. We are welcomed by the twice-familiar Andrew Nice Clay. We begin a call and response swearing-in led by Mr. Nice Clay. I say and saw things I thought I would never see or say.
1 FHG – I flip the hour glass for the first time since I sat down, 57 minutes into the show.
1 FHG – 2/57 – The swearing-in ceremony concludes. I’m in the Ministry.
1 FHG – 4/57 – [REDACTED]
1 FHG – 7/57 – Andrew Nice Clay takes note of an outsider named “Tom” in the table nearest to the stage. He makes Tom uncomfortable by showering him in compliments, which in-turn appears to make Mr. Nice Clay uncomfortable.
Continue reading JUST THE MINUTES with Joe Moore (The Ministry of Secret Jokes)